Old lady glasses leashes

I have officially become the old lady who needs a leash on her glasses.

I always wondered about the level of dotty behavior required in order to need a leash to remember that your glasses were hung around your neck.

But after spending the greater part of half an hour looking for my glasses, I realize I am the dotty old bag who needs the old lady glasses leashes in order to keep from looking more stupid than usual.

They weren't on top of my head.

They weren't tucked one legged down the front of my shirt (a favorite "where did I put them" location that results in fingerprint smeared lenses as soon as I discover them).

The glasses didn't lie askew atop my desk (or more precisely the rubble of my life atop my desk).

Where did I leave those glasses?

I hate not having them and worse yet, I hate having them. Oh, how I miss 20/20 vision!!

I never had fingerprints on my corneas!!

Finally, after looking high and low and in places I don't ever recall having placed my glasses, I found them.

In the laundry room.

Atop the whites.

At this point, I'm not sure if I planned to throw them into the wash for a quick bleach run with the bath towels that accompany me to the gym where there may well be a fungus among us or if I was hoping that somehow a quick spin cycle would somehow right the slightly askew left arm or leg of the glasses that hasn't ever quite been right since I dropped them.

Either way, I now have my glasses back.

They are right here beside me on the des......

HEY!?!?! Where did they go?

They were just here a minute ago!!

Oh! Wait! Here they are! ON MY FACE!

I think I need a room in the hospital ward for the criminally clueless...

More Money Than Sense

While doing my usual morning routine, I was struck by the sudden flash of understanding that people are crazy.

I'm sure that others have figured this out long before now, but I am compelled to say that this is not run of the mill crazy but absolutely fruit bat guano cave filled crazy.

I cannot understand why money makes us crazy, but it does. When we have money in our pockets, the siren song of "spend me, spend me, spend me" sings loudly in our ears and heart showing us the benefits of blowing our entire wad on things that the poor but sane would never even consider.

That is the only possible explanation for why someone would blow their cash to buy ANY of the following.

just in case you think I made this up

#10 WOLF URINE - 100% wolf pee. Really??? WHY??? Regular dog pee isn't offensive enough? So you have to get hyper pee? Are you trying to mark your territory and prevent interlopers from taking the females from your pack?

Or are you trying to impress your drinking buddies (more than likely) with the aromatic scent of your turf?

What would compel ANYONE to part with their hard earned cash for a jug o' pee?

If the need for pee is that great, why don't you just take a Mason jar into your bathroom and save your own for free.

Either way, that is just GROSS. Save your money and your reputation.

#9 STOP EATING POOP - In yet another gross attempt to garner your cash, this is alleged to keep your dogs from eating their own, well, you know... In a random bit of information, they indicate that the product includes yucca, which makes the allegedly tasty poo, taste, well, less tasty. It also contains peppermint and parsley to freshen Fido's breath after his less than savory snack.

I am compelled to ask, wouldn't the peppermint and parsley just make him want to eat the poo all the more since it will mask the offensive odors from his breath?

Doesn't matter. Still GROSS. Is there anything on this list not related to bodily waste? I sure hope so. Because this is just NASTY!!

#8 BODY MIST - blatantly offensive product meant to encourage homosexual encounters. Wrong. Evil. And just plain offensive.

#7 DR. JOHN'S FAMOUS PEE PEE - Really??? MORE PEE??? Who in their right mind really believes that no one knows they are high at work? After a while, they DO notice and carrying around a flask of pee in order to pass a random drug test is a dead giveaway that you are, in fact, a junkie.

Save your money for rehab. It looks like you are gonna need it.

And as a strange question I am compelled to ask, does the DEA get a head's up on who has ordered this product? If not, they should. Can you imagine how many people could be saved from harm if this was tagged and the bust on the dope-heads could happen in a timely fashion?

#6 TANK - Now, we are actually getting into a product that I can see someone purchasing. Can you imagine the reaction at the downtown Christmas parade when this bad boy rolls down the street blasting candy from the gun ports? Nothing says "Merry Christmas" faster than a tank!

Of course, it could start a neighborhood war when you employ it to take out the pesky folks that allow their precious Pinky to poo on your freshly manicured lawn. But your lawn would be poo-free.

#5 LIQUID @$$ FART SPRAY - again with the gross bodily function product?? Is there ANYTHING on this list besides the Tank that is worth the money?? Why would you or anyone else want to descend into frat boy behavior and spend money to do it??

Sure, making rotten egg gas was hilarious in 9th grade chemistry, but aren't we a bit too old to do this kind of thing now?? Really???

#4 UFO DETECTOR - Yes. Along with your tinfoil hat and the colander you are protecting your brains with, a UFO Detector is an indispensable item that fairly screams to the entire world, "I AM A FREAKY NERD!" and who doesn't need that kind of advertising? It's not like your wardrobe hasn't already tipped them off.

#3 ROSWELL SOIL SAMPLE - See #4. If you are in for a penny, you are in for a pound. When you believe our world is under observation by pink bald headed, big eyed aliens, then you'd better have proof of it or your dinner date is going to excuse themselves to the bathroom and never return. Never underestimate the ability of a grown adult person to get out of an 8x8 bathroom window in a crisis.

#2 DEER BUTT - One word: WHY? I cannot imagine any social setting in which your cache would be enhanced by bringing out your deer butt. And what kind of friends are you REALLY trying to attract anyway? The people who would appreciate this kind of item may not be the kind of folks who can upgrade your social standing and in fact, may well be armed and dangerous.

And finally, on our intrepid press to the top of Jackass Mountain, we come to our Number One selection of money wasting bliss.

#1 URANIUM - Yes, it's the real deal. I'm sure the FBI is more than happy to keep track of this little gem in light of the domestic and international terrorism issues of our day. And just how do you plan to explain your "lovely glow" to your parents, in who's basement you are living?

According to the write up, this product is for "educational and scientific purposes only" and what is more educational than learning how to build a proton accelerator or nuke?

Don't worry. When you order this, your lonely days in your underwear wearing, basement dwelling life are over. You will be introduced to a host of nice people who will be your friends in the Supermax. And the guards are such understanding people... not really, but for what you spent on the uranium, you deserve at little kindness because the Feds aren't gonna show you any love when you start setting off their Geiger counters.

I know that this is just a representative sample of stupidity that can be yours for the right price. And I am equally sure that there are a whole lot of other money sapping items of sheer stupidity that are available from retailers with more greed than sense.

But shouldn't you be willing to apply a little bit of caution? I mean you can expect to be branded as a loser for life with some of these purchases.

Oh well. Money never has equated with common sense. If that were the case, we could create a benefits program that would buy a clue for a lot of society.

Y'all have fun. And PLEASE do not put my phone number on speed dial.

I don't want to come pick up your deer butted, fart scented, glow in the dark self from the lockup where your new boyfriend Juan Carlos has decided that your wolf urine is a sexy smell.

Internet shopping is a caution. And y'all ought to exercise some when you are purchasing the next big thing.

Walmart Funeral... blue plastic bags optional

Walmart isn't well known as a funeral service, but apparently, they do cater to the needs of the recently deceased.

The Walmart Funeral Home

From the gaudy, never fade, colored plastic or silk flowers to adorn the carefully mounded dirt to cover your mortal remains to the actual container that will hold said remains, Walmart is here for you in your time of need.

The website doesn't exactly scream about their merchandise for funerals, but seeking to have a finger in every pie or a hand on every urn, Walmart sells caskets, urns and all sorts of items you might need to take care of your dearly departed family member be they animal or human.

In a cost conscious society, people are looking ever more diligently for ways to save a dime on Aunt Maybelle's funeral and Walmart is here to help.

Funeral home trying to make a unjust profit on your suffering and grief?

Never fear, folks! Walmart is here to help with low priced supplies that will be sent to the funeral home of your choice - and in most states, they HAVE TO ACCEPT DELIVERY because of their state laws that require the consumers to have the ability to shop around for funeral services and merchandise needed to lay to rest those who have passed on before us.

There is one small caveat to this savings bonanza. Walmart does NOT accept returns on funeral items.

So if Aunt Maybelle makes a startling recovery, you are stuck with your purchase of the "Generously sized Star Legacy's Regal Wide Body casket". 

Despite the fact that it "has extended dimensions width combined with an adjustable bed", the casket can't be returned unless it is damaged in shipping. 

So unless Bubba Ray, the local delivery man, is willing to take a $20 to drop it just a little bit, you are stuck with the "exceptional quality, sleek design and squared corners that add to its contoured look". 

Of course, come Halloween next year, that "hand-tailored white crepe interior and hand-painted, high gloss antique gunmetal" will come in handy for your front porch display.You can be thankful that it is galvanized metal, which means that your casket will never rust. So all those nasty kids that let their dogs poop on your yard will get a little taste of their own medicine when you make them poop in their pants after you jump up out of your very own casket on All Hallows Eve.

And, as an added bonus, you can always use the adjustable pillow and mattress to take care of the unexpected house guests that dropped in early for the funeral that now isn't happening.

The one thing that really puzzled me about this mad dash for a slice of the funeral commerce pie however, was the notation on the Walmart site that indicated that you could purchase these items as GIFTS!

G - I - F - T -S. Gifts.

Imagine the surprise on Christmas morning when Uncle Burford opens HIS present."We was thankin 'bout you and thought you might like THIS!"

Of course, it can also make an attractive and timely "Mother-in-Law" gift. 

Just who decided Walmart was the next option in line for helping the bereaved through this painful time? 

And why on earth is it so dang funny?

Maybe later on I'll have some answers, but right now, I'm too busy thinking about how you'd go about using those handy little gift cards to help you purchase that rose casket you've always wanted when it comes your time to go...

Y'all be nice.

It's a need.

And Walmart is meeting a need.

Just like they always do.

I only have one question: Is it wrong to pick up a six pack of Pepsi and some Cheetos when you're picking up the casket for the services?

Downward Dog and Other Lies

"Come, you take yoga class. It be good for you. You see, it easy. You like.'

The little Oriental woman who is in my aqua arthritis class invited me. And yes, she really talks that way, that isn't some kind of biased nonsense. She's only been in the USA a very short time and her English isn't that polished yet.

Because she is so nice and because I am trying to figure out just how this gym membership works out for the various classes I'd like to try, I said yes.

I rode the stationery bike for just over 3 miles as the warm-up. I thought I knew what was coming.

Downward dog is code for 'you will hurt in places that even God didn't know you had'. Then, the fun began.

As we went through various moves, positions and maneuvers, our slightly built diminutive instructor talked about how these moves were relaxing and so easy.

As compared with building a space-worthy vehicle from a toothpick and some cotton balls, that may well be true. But the conceptual portion of the class was a universe apart from the reality that aliens who bent in unnatural ways inhabited that mirrored room.

I closed my eye so that I wouldn't be assaulted by the visual image of me and my contorted body to torture my senses. It was bad enough that I was experiencing it both internally and externally. I had no desire to have a permanent visual record of my agony to replay on loop for all eternity.

Even now, several hours later, I am wondering what the point to the various poses really was. Some of them, alleged to stretch various segments of the body, have left a kind of muscular-skeletal agony that is seldom reproduced in a full impact crash with another vehicle. I can attest to that having been in several collisions during my life.

At the end of the class, we were all encouraged to 'lie flat on our backs with our arms stretched out to our sides' so that we 'could enjoy a brief rest'. I confess that mine was more like a spread-eagle pose of complete exhaustion.

Those serene yogi who teach the various yoga positions on television do not sweat. I doubt that their training allows for it since they are all about relaxation, stretching and being so much more than limber.

Since I am neither serene nor yogi-like in my skills, I think I could rival the production of sweat from the last three Preakness winners. I was actually afraid that I might drown in the pool when it came time for that segment of the exercise.

The next time someone encourages you to join a class because you will like it and it will be easy, realize that there are only three reasons they do this.

#1 - they are new to the class themselves and don't want to go alone and since you already share one class, they feel that they are comfortable enough to ask you to attend,

#2 - they are genuinely hoping you will enjoy something new and different,

or, what I consider to be the most logical selection,

#3 - they are the worst in the class at mastering the yoga positions and they have tagged you as the logical replacement for chief laughingstock in the room.

Downward dog is not for wimps and it hurts if you don't do it normally.

I have come to understand that 'yoga' is another 4-letter word. And today it was really naughty.