Little bit at a time

Patience is not my strong suit.

Learning that I have to continue to progress at the rate that my healing under God's direction is progressing is a hard lesson. I want to be well now and go about life. But I am realizing that my plans are not God's plans and that sometimes the idea of rushing things has a pretty hairy price to pay.

When I do too much, I definitely feel it and it comes in waves of pain.

And that makes things harder to deal with in the long run.

The good news is I've watched some good, old programs and I'm reading some good books and magazines.

The bad news is that I am worn out and tired of the pain.

But I'm still here, so I'm trying to focus on the blessing of being alive when it well could have worked out another way.

I am truly thankful that I'm not on the other side of the long dirt nap.

I'm thankful to have more time to become what God intends despite my sinful nature.

And most of all, I am thankful to have more time with my family and friends even if all I can do is tell them that I love them. That is the best thing they could hear from me.

God bless!

Ain't No Sunshine...

The rainy weather over the last couple of days has just about killed me.

So many little drips and drops of water each bring a little dribbly bit of pain with them to my bruised and broken body. They don't mean to be cruel, they just are.

For some people, rain is a good thing. Watering the lawn, the flowers, the plants and filling up the lakes and reservoirs so we can all enjoy a good drink. Most of the time, I'm happy for the rain. Lately, however, it seems we are getting a lot of rain and it truly brings pain.

I stayed in from church today. I had intended to try to go and at least attend sacrament meeting. But my body wasn't cooperating and neither was the weather. It's pretty bad when you have to have a nap in bed just to make it through the morning.

Patience.

That word keeps being repeated and it most certainly means I need to develop some patience. It isn't first nature or even second nature for me. The concept of waiting for all of the healing and regrowth of bone shouldn't be new information for me, but it seems like it is harder the older I get.

I'm watching our DVD set of the Andy Griffith show because it helps me cope. Plus it is gentle. This particular foray into the agony of a broken body has made me much less tolerant of programs that are harsh and violent in any way.

Without the blessing of gentle alternatives this might be a harder recovery. I am thankful for church movies and other good programs that help me feel the kinder side of life.

While there ain't no sunshine right now, I can bring in a bit of sunshine emotionally with some good programs that make me feel happy and help me feel relaxed.

PT means physical terrorist

Oh the joys of showing the therapist just how hard you have been working on the PT treatments you have been given!

Oh the exhilaration of being granted new exercises to do!

Oh the splendor of getting to perform the full compliment of your exercises plus all the new ones and then do a sprint trial with the walker while hobbling along on one leg!!

Can you sense my excitement?

Feel the palpable sense of accomplishment?

Suck back the wind like Secretariat in the home stretch? Eat pain pills like they are candy?

Yep, that has been my day.

While I am both pleased and gratified that I have made progress, I can attest that it has come at a nice steep price. I get it... no pain, no gain.  No pain, no pain pills. No pain, no reason for me to cry.

And I am girl so I am entitle to cry if I want to. And I wanted to.

Going crazy being at home, but right now being at home is the safe place for me to be. While I would like to get out, I confess to being scared to death to do so. I'm afraid to be in a car going ANYWHERE because I don't trust the other drivers on the road.

Previous experience has made me that way.

This is my third go round with someone using their bigger vehicle to smash into me and attempt to turn me into a pile of mush. And each of the two previous times, the other party pretty much skips off scott free and I wind up aching and bruised and bloody.

THIS JUST AIN'T FAIR!!! And I want my Momma!!

SIGH!

I long for the sense of personal ability that is just out of reach. I desire the ability to shower or pee without help. I'd love to be able to just feel free to ride in or drive a car somewhere. Anywhere.

But right now, my biggest desire is to just get to feeling better. To be able to breathe without it hurting. To be able to stand up with both legs instead of grinding my way up with one and my upper body strength. To lie down in my regular bed beside my husband instead of spending my nights in a  hospital bed cuddling up with a stuffed cow and a raccoon head.

I'll stop the whiny butt express train. It's  hard to always be cheerful. Especially when I sometimes feel like I'm being cheerful for the benefit of everyone else. Crying doesn't do much but waste water most of the time, but sometimes, it's all I want to do.

Trying to find the plan, the purpose and the good in all of this is in rather short supply right now. It's not intentional, but I do feel a bit like a boxcar on a siding with the grass growing through the tracks and the winding vines of morning glories climbing their tendrils gently through my buffers, my railings and my wheels. Picturesque it may seem, but it can also be somewhat lonely.

God has a plan. I'm sure He does. I'm trying to understand exactly what it is and how to apply it. I'm sure in His own due time, all will be unfolded to my understanding. Or not.

Right now, I'm just ready to lie down and try to rest and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Progress and Patience

Today was the one month checkup with the doc to see how all things orthopedic are sorting themselves out.

Dr. Leberte was pleased. I was relieved. The "nervous Nellie" side of me was truly concerned that I would be unable to have made sufficient progress for it to be noticed.

The x-rays looked promising. There is new bone growing along the fracture lines and the doctor said for me to continue along in my exercise and practice with muscle movements. I'm looking forward to having more to show him come May 17th.

We got home about lunch time and then I crept into the bed for some rest. I slept really well for my nap then my therapist came to put me through my paces. I walked and did my exercises for her. She seemed pleased and took the note from Dr. Leberte back for the files.

Each day is a little better. I'm hoping that I can get my strength back and sorted out so that I can continue to recover.

I am so thankful for all the Lord has done for me thus far. It is truly a miracle for me.