Resolutions suck.
They are made specifically to be broken, so I don't do them.
But lifestyle changes... well, let's just say I'm learning to adjust.
So help me, I am! I swear with one hand on the offending granola wrapper...
I was hungry.
Yeah, I know what you are thinking. With the layer of whale blubber I am carrying around as my personal one year food storage supply, THAT should never be an issue. But sometimes it is.
I wanted a little something to take the edge off, but not so much that I would get overloaded.
Yogurt didn't sound quite right. Everyone in their right mind knows that crunchy yogurt isn't good for you. Once it turns crunchy, it's decidedly time to toss the cup out with the trash.
I reflected over the shopping trip I had taken on the first of the month. YES!!! And it's a score!! I had bought honey-oat-healthy-for-you-good-on-the-inside-and-outside-without-even-a-streak-of-chocolate granola bars.
You know the ones. Plain Jane wrapper. Low cal, virtually no fat, something your health and hygiene teacher recommended.
I got a bit of skim milk to wash it down and settled back in my recliner with my swollen foot propped up and began to snack.
Until the killer granola had other ideas.
Who knew oats and honey had a violent streak???
As I got to the last few little pieces and crumbs, I carefully pinched them up in my fingers like some kind of healthy Skoal and then the attack began.
The tiny foil wrapper whipped up on one end flinging giblety pieces of granola straight into my unprotected left eye. Holy flaming cat snot on a tissue!!!
Did you know granola crumbs could be used by the U.S. Department of Defense as a counter-terrorism measure?
The enormous and most assuredly offending debris made my eyes water and pain waves circulated through my body like an electric current. I finally understood the words to the hymn "Truth Reflects Upon Our Senses" where it talks about motes and beams in the eye! Honestly, a shot of Texas Pete's Red Hot Sauce would have been more accommodating to my assaulted mucous membranes!
Did you know that chunks of granola won't just be wiped out? OOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOO!
They become oatmeal concrete when exposed to the tears. Yes, indeedy, happy campers, without the assistance of a half a bottle of eye drops and my tissues, I could well be sharing this from the cage of a freak show somewhere in Nebraska.
I can hear the corn-fed beauty from the Miss Creamed Potatoes Pageant saying "Well, ain't that just the most gawdawful thing you have ever seen, Petunia?"
Maybe not the MOST but almighty close.
Finally, the largest of the crumbs was expelled and the minor pieces worked their way out and order was restored. I think...
You know, my vision has been a bit blurry today and my left eye smells faintly like oatmeal.
Oh well. Just another example of the lies they tell you about healthy choices. They tell you to make healthy choices, they don't tell you about the excess calories you will expend defending yourself FROM the healthy choice.
