CLASSIFIED AD:
Mild mannered woman in faded jogging pants seeks sanity in world filled with spam.
Remind me why it is that ANYONE ever thought email was a GOOD idea?
WHEW!
I feel better now.
Here's how this scenario plays out.
Sitting at my desk reading the news and email, I received one that frustrates the bejeebers out of me.
You can have ANY opinion you want to and this little chick will fight to the DEATH to see that you can have your opinion. Even if I don't share it.
But please, do not send my email address to your favorite damn political action committee!!
I do not care if they are life's blood to you, they may not mean anything to me. The fact that you do not respect me enough to keep my address a private thing means now you have opened up my email box to a host of ads for products and services that I don't need or want. You have callously allowed strangers to send me materials with which I may not even agree or want to have in my home. I don't need Viagra or any 'natural' enhancement supplements. I am not interested in donating to the 'Save the Darter Fish Fund'. That doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me selective.
So thanks.
Thanks for nothing.
I realize that sometimes people mistakenly believe that causes should be universal in appeal. That is as likely as everyone being your friend.
Oddly enough, the belief that YOUR cause is EVERYONE'S cause via email is the QUICKEST way to lose friends I have ever seen.
Cyberspeed is way faster than an elementary school playground when eliminating friends.
So, unless we have a longstanding relationship in which the political give and take in our conversation is enough for us to agree, disagree and discuss without losing the important issue at hand of being friends, please do not send me your political crap.
There is enough of that floating around in the world without your generous contribution.
If this means we aren't friends anymore, I'm willing to live with that. Boo hoo.
September 12, 2008
September 9, 2008
Diet Products and Delusions
I just love the plaid Bobbie Brooks jacket I had in college. It was one of those 'goes with everything' jackets. Sadly, it shrunk. (stop laughing - these things happen over time with clothing!)
While contemplated photos from my past life, I realized that the pictures aren't something to lament and wail over, but rather a pleasant reminder that who I am today is in large measure due to that skinny girl back then who was tenacious enough to make an attempt to seize the bull by the horns (or whatever needed grabbing) and try to make the best of the offerings given.
What I would like though is the body I left behind. Even a blurry, distant version of it would be nice. I will, however, insist upon keeping the brain cell I currently have which is crammed full of the useful information gleaned from stupid mistakes and forthright choices that have given me the experiences and yes, the wrinkles, imposed by a life that has hopefully been well lived to this point.
As I sat her pondering the changes that time has brought on, I came across an ad for a product that is like a big Telfa pad that you are supposed to stick to the bottom of your feet and suck the toxins in the body right out through the soles of the feet and into what, by morning, becomes an icky blackish brown colored pad. It reminds me of the color of the Swiffer pad after I mop around the dog's chair. YUCK!
Then there is the green tea that takes your tacky Dunlop spare tire dangling over your belt and turns it into flat, sexy abs and a body that would make men faint at your passing. Yeah. If green tea does that, why does Buddha look like he does? Hmmmm?
My personal favorite is the colon cleanse products that are on the early morning/late night infomercials for the hapless people who are up at 3:15 am when their husband is on a scout trip and their son won't sleep...oh, maybe that was too revealing...
This cleansing product lays claim to the ability to remove the 'concrete-like' buildup in your colon that makes you anywhere from 20 to 40 pounds heavier and makes you feel tired and listless.
I don't remember any of my doctors over the years indicating to me that I was filled with this type of buildup. And since more than one has indicated that a bit of weight loss was in order, I'm certain it would have come up in the exam.
The smiling skeletal spokesman tells us in enraptured tones that this product (allegedly) cleans up the colon slick as a whistle and makes our bowels function in ways never before imagined. Of that I am sure. You take that stuff and spend the next week in the bathroom or at a nearby state park in the outhouse.
And by the way, if this is supposed to be oh so good for you to do, couldn't they have a spokesman who didn't look like a walking corpse with a pencil-thin mustache?
But maybe that is the 'desired outcome' from the product. As an aside, it also alleges to remove worms and parasites from the body.
I don't believe I reside in the swampy jungle nor drink and wade in the Nile. I steadfastly refuse to eat uncooked meat or undercooked meat and I seldom eat dirt now that I am an adult. So where would I have obtained these delightful parasitic creatures that their product is so willing to rid me of and more importantly, why would I want to LOOK at what their product was flushing out of me like their enthusiastic bone man touts?
He reminds me of Jack Skellington, but in a creepier way.
Then there are the myriad pills that cut appetite, boost metabolism and, in short, shine light on you, make you sing Christmas carols and snow on yourself. If they really worked all that well, no one would ever need more than one package.
It is not easy to wade through it all.
I'd like to have a product that I can take that has no side effects, removes the weight overnight, gives me abs of steel, and quietly replaces my woeful lack of willpower with nerves of steel that steer me and my shopping cart away from all the wrong foods and gives me the energy and stamina to avoid the afternoon naps that are my best method of survival on a bad day.
When you find it, please tell me what it is so I can buy one. I promise to do the same for you should I come across it first, but only after I take it so you can see how good it works.
While contemplated photos from my past life, I realized that the pictures aren't something to lament and wail over, but rather a pleasant reminder that who I am today is in large measure due to that skinny girl back then who was tenacious enough to make an attempt to seize the bull by the horns (or whatever needed grabbing) and try to make the best of the offerings given.
What I would like though is the body I left behind. Even a blurry, distant version of it would be nice. I will, however, insist upon keeping the brain cell I currently have which is crammed full of the useful information gleaned from stupid mistakes and forthright choices that have given me the experiences and yes, the wrinkles, imposed by a life that has hopefully been well lived to this point.
As I sat her pondering the changes that time has brought on, I came across an ad for a product that is like a big Telfa pad that you are supposed to stick to the bottom of your feet and suck the toxins in the body right out through the soles of the feet and into what, by morning, becomes an icky blackish brown colored pad. It reminds me of the color of the Swiffer pad after I mop around the dog's chair. YUCK!
Then there is the green tea that takes your tacky Dunlop spare tire dangling over your belt and turns it into flat, sexy abs and a body that would make men faint at your passing. Yeah. If green tea does that, why does Buddha look like he does? Hmmmm?
My personal favorite is the colon cleanse products that are on the early morning/late night infomercials for the hapless people who are up at 3:15 am when their husband is on a scout trip and their son won't sleep...oh, maybe that was too revealing...
This cleansing product lays claim to the ability to remove the 'concrete-like' buildup in your colon that makes you anywhere from 20 to 40 pounds heavier and makes you feel tired and listless.
I don't remember any of my doctors over the years indicating to me that I was filled with this type of buildup. And since more than one has indicated that a bit of weight loss was in order, I'm certain it would have come up in the exam.
The smiling skeletal spokesman tells us in enraptured tones that this product (allegedly) cleans up the colon slick as a whistle and makes our bowels function in ways never before imagined. Of that I am sure. You take that stuff and spend the next week in the bathroom or at a nearby state park in the outhouse.
And by the way, if this is supposed to be oh so good for you to do, couldn't they have a spokesman who didn't look like a walking corpse with a pencil-thin mustache?
But maybe that is the 'desired outcome' from the product. As an aside, it also alleges to remove worms and parasites from the body.
I don't believe I reside in the swampy jungle nor drink and wade in the Nile. I steadfastly refuse to eat uncooked meat or undercooked meat and I seldom eat dirt now that I am an adult. So where would I have obtained these delightful parasitic creatures that their product is so willing to rid me of and more importantly, why would I want to LOOK at what their product was flushing out of me like their enthusiastic bone man touts?
He reminds me of Jack Skellington, but in a creepier way.
Then there are the myriad pills that cut appetite, boost metabolism and, in short, shine light on you, make you sing Christmas carols and snow on yourself. If they really worked all that well, no one would ever need more than one package.
It is not easy to wade through it all.
I'd like to have a product that I can take that has no side effects, removes the weight overnight, gives me abs of steel, and quietly replaces my woeful lack of willpower with nerves of steel that steer me and my shopping cart away from all the wrong foods and gives me the energy and stamina to avoid the afternoon naps that are my best method of survival on a bad day.
When you find it, please tell me what it is so I can buy one. I promise to do the same for you should I come across it first, but only after I take it so you can see how good it works.
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