Well, I'm back to sweating out some test results.
I went in for my annual checkup and 6 month post op check for my breast biopsy I had in January. I'm not a huge fan of these necessary evils, but I'd rather be on this side of the dirt nap for as long as I can. Oddly, I have this organically grown ego that tells me people need me.
Yeah, I know, pure ego.
Anyway, the two delightful CRNP's that handled the exam for me were kind. They were as gentle as they could be in breaking the news that "I think you need to get an ultrasound on that left breast."
Really?
Again????
Didn't we just do this?
Apparently, once is not enough. Sort of like eating a bag of potato chips. You can't just have one.
So with an immediate appointment at the hospital for the next morning bright and early, I went to be re-scanned. Uh, not so fast there Kimosabe. The simple ultrasound will NOT be enough. We'd like you to strip half of your clothes off and freeze a little bit while we take what God granted to you and grind it down to a fine powdery remnant of its former self.
The new mammogram was completed and then a new ultrasound with lots of deep probing with the ultrasound head and lots of blue gel goo made sure any traces of my formerly recognizable left breast were reduced to a mass of bruised meat. OUCH!
Zero fun and nothing to look at here, people, so just move along.
Though I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time, I could plainly see the mass they had concern for. I had a mite of concern about it myself. The 15-year old tech (yeah, the ink wasn't dry on her diploma yet!) wouldn't give me any information or indication of how it was measuring.
I knew it wasn't good news when she immediately printed off the scan results and sprinted down the hall to the radiologist's office. That's never cool.
So I wait.
I am allegedly getting the news on July 12th. Whatever determination is made at that time regarding follow up will have to wait until my trip out west. I am determined to get a sanity break before resuming my normal crazy life.
While not borrowing a jack in terms of what I expect, I'm also bright enough according to my IQ tests to realize that not all news will necessarily be good news. So I'm trying to prepare for either direction. If it's good, it's good. If it's not... well, we will deal with whatever we need to deal with as it comes along.
I hark back to the story of Job and all of his various afflictions both those that affected him monetarily and those that afflicted him personally through the loss of family, health and friends. So far, I seem to be keeping my family and friends. While the health issue remains in limbo for the time being, I have confidence that whatever comes will be something the Lord will carry me through.
A friend of mine who has been down this road many, many times told me that she'd had several biopsies before they decided that she needed a mastectomy. I reckon I am not that patient. If you keep carving on what precious little I have, and keep creating more divots than Augusta National bears after the PGA tour passes through, pretty soon there just won't be any breast left, so why not go for the gusto and take care of things the first time?
*SIGH*
I'm thankful that my husband, long-suffering and patient man that he is, keeps me propped up emotionally through all of this drama my life is continually dragging him through as a reluctant participant. Poor man, he didn't necessarily buy tickets for this ongoing presentation of medical theater, but he always stands ready to help me through it and love my whiny self anyway.
Am I nervous? Yeah, I am.
I'm trying not to think about it. I know that not thinking about it doesn't make the problem go away. I'm pretty bright despite my stupid facial expressions from time to time. Rumor has it that sometimes putting the stress of it all out of your mind can actually help. I'm trying to focus on things like cleaning my house and trying to decide what is essential to keep and what can safely be passed along to someone else who has an actual use for some of the "treasures of trash" that I have accumulated over the decades of my life.
In a way, that is both cathartic and humbling. Why do we keep so much "stuff" close to our heart and yet discard people so readily because they aren't cut out and sewed up to suit our changeable tastes? Just something that has been on my mind of late.
A few more days of limbo.
I keep trying to convince myself that is time I can do standing on my head.
Problem is, the blood rushes to my head, pounds in my ears and makes me forget that this was supposed to detract from the concerns about what may come.
Vanna, can I have a nap?
I'm reasonably sure that stress is why I'm constantly thinking that crawling into the bed and hiding all day doesn't sound like a bad thing. But people depend on me for a variety of things all day and though it is underdeveloped, my sense of duty will not permit me to stay in bed forever. Dang it!
It's only a pound of flesh, right?
Then why does it bother me so much?
Maybe the fact that I am hearing about the trial my sister in law is enduring to get to the light at the end of her personal tunnel for breast cancer. That is something I cannot help her with. Lanette has to crawl through this with only the prayers and emotional support I can throw her way. I can't fix it... for her OR for me.
I don't know what this newest lump is. It might be fat, it might be calcification, it might be a fatty tumor or maybe a glow in the dark secret decoder ring. All I know is that the people who have examined me thus far think it doesn't belong in there.
I've never felt more like an example for the song on Sesame Street "One of these things is not like the other".
Heavenly Father is in charge.
It's not tossed out there casually like some kind of accidentally discovered fail safe. He truly IS in charge. It might be that this is all to help me learn something or to remind me that I'm not all that and a bag of chips. Maybe it's an opportunity to refocus the lens of my spiritual vision to things that truly matter instead of things that only sort of do.
I'm not particularly sure at this moment.
But I do know that regardless of whatever the outcome on my test results, I am thankful that I know from Job's example that there is more than just what our eyes can see and our mind perceive at this time. Whatever suffering or trials we think we are struggling with, I know firsthand that someone out there is having things WAY worse and needs MY support instead of my whining about my petty problems.
I'm going to try really hard to remember that. Cause I really hate whiners. Even when it's me that's whining.
