While doing my usual morning routine, I was struck by the sudden flash of understanding that people are crazy.
I'm sure that others have figured this out long before now, but I am compelled to say that this is not run of the mill crazy but absolutely fruit bat guano cave filled crazy.
I cannot understand why money makes us crazy, but it does. When we have money in our pockets, the siren song of "spend me, spend me, spend me" sings loudly in our ears and heart showing us the benefits of blowing our entire wad on things that the poor but sane would never even consider.
That is the only possible explanation for why someone would blow their cash to buy ANY of the following.
just in case you think I made this up
#10 WOLF URINE - 100% wolf pee. Really??? WHY??? Regular dog pee isn't offensive enough? So you have to get hyper pee? Are you trying to mark your territory and prevent interlopers from taking the females from your pack?
Or are you trying to impress your drinking buddies (more than likely) with the aromatic scent of your turf?
What would compel ANYONE to part with their hard earned cash for a jug o' pee?
If the need for pee is that great, why don't you just take a Mason jar into your bathroom and save your own for free.
Either way, that is just GROSS. Save your money and your reputation.
#9 STOP EATING POOP - In yet another gross attempt to garner your cash, this is alleged to keep your dogs from eating their own, well, you know... In a random bit of information, they indicate that the product includes yucca, which makes the allegedly tasty poo, taste, well, less tasty. It also contains peppermint and parsley to freshen Fido's breath after his less than savory snack.
I am compelled to ask, wouldn't the peppermint and parsley just make him want to eat the poo all the more since it will mask the offensive odors from his breath?
Doesn't matter. Still GROSS. Is there anything on this list not related to bodily waste? I sure hope so. Because this is just NASTY!!
#8 BODY MIST - blatantly offensive product meant to encourage homosexual encounters. Wrong. Evil. And just plain offensive.
#7 DR. JOHN'S FAMOUS PEE PEE - Really??? MORE PEE??? Who in their right mind really believes that no one knows they are high at work? After a while, they DO notice and carrying around a flask of pee in order to pass a random drug test is a dead giveaway that you are, in fact, a junkie.
Save your money for rehab. It looks like you are gonna need it.
And as a strange question I am compelled to ask, does the DEA get a head's up on who has ordered this product? If not, they should. Can you imagine how many people could be saved from harm if this was tagged and the bust on the dope-heads could happen in a timely fashion?
#6 TANK - Now, we are actually getting into a product that I can see someone purchasing. Can you imagine the reaction at the downtown Christmas parade when this bad boy rolls down the street blasting candy from the gun ports? Nothing says "Merry Christmas" faster than a tank!
Of course, it could start a neighborhood war when you employ it to take out the pesky folks that allow their precious Pinky to poo on your freshly manicured lawn. But your lawn would be poo-free.
#5 LIQUID @$$ FART SPRAY - again with the gross bodily function product?? Is there ANYTHING on this list besides the Tank that is worth the money?? Why would you or anyone else want to descend into frat boy behavior and spend money to do it??
Sure, making rotten egg gas was hilarious in 9th grade chemistry, but aren't we a bit too old to do this kind of thing now?? Really???
#4 UFO DETECTOR - Yes. Along with your tinfoil hat and the colander you are protecting your brains with, a UFO Detector is an indispensable item that fairly screams to the entire world, "I AM A FREAKY NERD!" and who doesn't need that kind of advertising? It's not like your wardrobe hasn't already tipped them off.
#3 ROSWELL SOIL SAMPLE - See #4. If you are in for a penny, you are in for a pound. When you believe our world is under observation by pink bald headed, big eyed aliens, then you'd better have proof of it or your dinner date is going to excuse themselves to the bathroom and never return. Never underestimate the ability of a grown adult person to get out of an 8x8 bathroom window in a crisis.
#2 DEER BUTT - One word: WHY? I cannot imagine any social setting in which your cache would be enhanced by bringing out your deer butt. And what kind of friends are you REALLY trying to attract anyway? The people who would appreciate this kind of item may not be the kind of folks who can upgrade your social standing and in fact, may well be armed and dangerous.
And finally, on our intrepid press to the top of Jackass Mountain, we come to our Number One selection of money wasting bliss.
#1 URANIUM - Yes, it's the real deal. I'm sure the FBI is more than happy to keep track of this little gem in light of the domestic and international terrorism issues of our day. And just how do you plan to explain your "lovely glow" to your parents, in who's basement you are living?
According to the write up, this product is for "educational and scientific purposes only" and what is more educational than learning how to build a proton accelerator or nuke?
Don't worry. When you order this, your lonely days in your underwear wearing, basement dwelling life are over. You will be introduced to a host of nice people who will be your friends in the Supermax. And the guards are such understanding people... not really, but for what you spent on the uranium, you deserve at little kindness because the Feds aren't gonna show you any love when you start setting off their Geiger counters.
I know that this is just a representative sample of stupidity that can be yours for the right price. And I am equally sure that there are a whole lot of other money sapping items of sheer stupidity that are available from retailers with more greed than sense.
But shouldn't you be willing to apply a little bit of caution? I mean you can expect to be branded as a loser for life with some of these purchases.
Oh well. Money never has equated with common sense. If that were the case, we could create a benefits program that would buy a clue for a lot of society.
Y'all have fun. And PLEASE do not put my phone number on speed dial.
I don't want to come pick up your deer butted, fart scented, glow in the dark self from the lockup where your new boyfriend Juan Carlos has decided that your wolf urine is a sexy smell.
Internet shopping is a caution. And y'all ought to exercise some when you are purchasing the next big thing.
