♫ Can you feel the love tonight? ♫

I think I am destined to die in one of the bathrooms in my home. That seems to be the locale for most of the personal tragedies I have to endure. The most recent adventure in plumbing seems to revolve around the installation of a grab bar and the relocation of the toilet paper holder for said grab bar.

With a cast on the foot keeping my toes in a ballerina position while my Achilles tendon heals up after this most recent surgical intervention, I can't put weight on the left foot at all. None. Nada. Zip.

Not to be graphic, but when was the last time (or the first time) that you attempted to lower and subsequently lift yourself from the porcelain throne on one leg? Most people don't have a whole lot of practice doing that particular manuever.

I'm here to tell you that it is an exercise in brute strength to keep that left leg aloft enough to keep the casted foot from making touchdown while attempting to raise up from the toilet seat and try to dress yourself while keeping in a relatively vertical postion as the muscles on the right leg begin to shake like there is no tomorrow.

Crutches are a help, but only to a point because if you angle them the wrong way, you can't reach your pants to pull them up from around your ankles or knees or wherever you have placed them. The cold, hard truth is, they don't stay at the knees, because the trembling makes them slide down your legs so you risk hitting your head on the wall in front of you as you bend down to pull them back up and keep from falling into the tiny space between the wall and the toilet.

And wouldn't that be an embarrassing photo in the local paper? "Rescue from toiletside entrapment" doesn't have the ring of success that winning the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes does. And being identified as 'that lady who got trapped in her bathroom' doesn't inspire confidence in others.

So, the brilliant and loving husband of mine installed a grab bar in my master bathroom by the toilet to help me and any others so afflicted with the realities of life gain that precious ability to rise from the toilet and pull up their pants.

It's a little thing that means so much...

During all of this installation and relocation of various things in the home, the original porcelain TP holder was removed from the wall. The new two piece wooden structures with their little spring loaded plastic roll holder were in place and looked so inviting. That is, until the assassin roll holder snapped from the wall and scared the pee out of me as I was struggling to grasp the newly installed grab bar when I lost my balance. Good thing I was in the bathroom already. The sharp metalic ping from the holder smacking into said new grab bar was enough to send Thomas from his room into mine to see if I was okay.

When I assured him that I was indeed fine and told him the problem, he was relieved... and filled with glee. Sure, yuck it up! Hilarity, hilarity. But it wasn't you that it happened to, kiddo! Thankfully, though my arms are sore from the impromptu gymnsatic moves I pulled to get steadied in my stance and my shoulders are a daily reminder that I need to drop roughly another gazillion pounds for my troubles, they haven't left me hanging in the limbo of toiletside ignomy quite yet.

It is my hope that one day, I can get out of all of the various crutches, scooters, wheelchairs and braces and be able to 'walk and not be weary and run and not faint' once again.

Until that time, I just have to sing to myself as I remember that sometimes, being laid up has consequences that are just downright funny to people who aren't going through them and make a mental note never to grab onto a toilet paper holder in the hopes it might keep me from hitting the floor...

Paint the Town Red

Okay, so it isn't the ENTIRE town... just the portion of town that surrounds my ankle and foot... but it's RED!

This particular cast stays on for a couple of weeks as healing continues, then we will determine what color comes next.

The swelling comes and goes as as the process of trying to heal and find a position to put my leg in that doesn't hurt varies from moment to moment. I'm also trying to learn to navigate with the knee scooter without tumbling into a wall or other object while I'm in a drugged stupor.

I need the pain killers, but they do strange things to my sleep cycle, my dreams and my wake time comprehension. They make me loopy ... loopier... loopiest... and alter my perceptions of how things are coming along.

I'm getting a little throbbing in my ankle, so I guess it's time to head back to the ice filled fun, fun world of putting my ankle up on pillows.