Is it unkind to wonder if people arrived here on this earth with a brain??? Or perhaps to think that while they may have indeed arrived with it and that somehow through the processes of life, the brain slipped out or was gambled away on a 50-1 long shot at the racetrack?
I was riding my bike to the store. Not a particularly unusual occurrence considering gas prices and my desperate need to exercise. Unless the sight of someone on a bike compels you to laugh so much you snort your Pepsi up your nose and ram your truck into the ditch.
Paying attention not only to the rhythm of my pedaling, I am watching, in all the ways they teach in Driver's Ed, for other people on the road. Glancing from side to side in the sweeping motion to check for oncoming traffic isn't enough on a bike.
I also have to take a quick squint over the shoulder now and again to make certain that the evil people that are tailgating my bike in the Chevy Big Block, jacked up, converted 4x4 redneck special aren't planning me as the next target for 'Deathrace 2000'. But I know that they are. I can feel their wicked presence.
They are laughing.
I can hear them Laughing because their windows are down and my bike has no windows to roll up.
Because the weather is warm and fishing season is upon us, they are also hauling a fishing boat, or an unreasonable facsimile of said boat, on a trailer behind them.
Now, as added fun in the game of traffic terror, they have begun deliberately fishtailing the trailer so that when they make their 'come from behind' move to pass me for the thrill of the invisible checkered flag, or to watch me and my bike get flipped without knocking off my shoes, they score extra points in the game.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!
NOW I AM UP ON THE SIDEWALK!! I AM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOU LOONY TUNES' WAY!! AND THEY KEEP COMING!!! HOLY MOSES AND ALL OF THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL!
They are edging up to the side of the road like the sidewalk won't stop them. And I am scared for my literal life.
I pulled over into the grass in the front yard of people I don't know while the 'General Lee' horn sounded and their raucous hoots echoed as they headed down the road to the Elk River. Carefully stuffing my pounding heart back into my chest, I resumed my ride to the store for milk and a graduation gift.
The pure evil part of me thinks that I hope their boat leaks like a sieve and none of them can swim. They have scared about ten years off of my life and I'm not so sure I had the ten years to offer them.
Losers!
But the kindly and reasonably decent part of me doesn't really want them to drown.
Not really.
Because I'm quite sure their nasty and evil selves would poison all the fish.
Happy trails on the streets and highways near you. And remember that being a jerk isn't about your address, but your attitude!
Safe Motoring!
May 7, 2009
May 5, 2009
Sell your "Old Gold"
"I went on a vacation with the money I got selling my old gold jewelry!"
"I paid bills with the money I made selling my old scrap dental gold!"
Yeah. Uh-huh.
I have so much old and forgotten gold wadded up in a drawer somewhere that I can send it away for pennies on the dollar and make enough to pay bills, take a vacation and apparently to develop amnesia.
If you discover you have a drawer full of gold, why are you selling it to a refinery for pennies on the dollar when every town and hamlet of respectable size has at least one pawn shop where you could do a little bit better on the price plus you would know the person behind the transaction.
What if they just TAKE your 'old gold' and never send you anything? They can tell you your payment 'must have been lost in the mail'. Oh sure! That's the oldest running gag in the business -the old 'check is in the mail' routine.
And who is it that has SO much of this wadded up gold jewelry or has yanked out all of that latest dental work or gold tooth implant just so that they can afford a vacation? I don't believe I have enough to liquidate my assets and convert it all into a hot dog, much less hundreds of dollars for a vacation!
So who are these dupes who have a jewelry store of personal treasure so worthless to them that they are willing to melt it all down for a refinery recovery fee and take a trip to someplace exotic like the brickyard or the city dump? One wonders if sentiment doesn't ever enter into their thinking. Or chewing ability either.
I have several pieces of good but costume jewelry that have been given to me over the years. The sentiment of who gave it to me and why means more than the 3-cent check I would receive for turning it into scrap metal for sales purposes.
I may not have a whole lot of imagination, but I can fairly see Aunt Maude on spin-cycle in her grave to see her jade and gold brooch being melted down for that trip to Mentone before ski season is over. Yeah, I know, that was funny just typing it. Skiing in Mentone makes almost as much sense as melting down family heirlooms to pay for your lift ticket. Oops. My mistake! They don't have a lift at Mentone.
If you are that deeply burdened by drawers and drawers filled with a lifetime's accumulated treasure that it requires the services of some TV pitchman hawking a 'secure envelope' in which you can load up your goods, I'm thinking you are over-burdened with something far weightier than the gold.
I am suggesting that you are hampered more by stupidity than by the chunks of ore littering your lingerie drawer.
Don't you NEED some teeth to eat with when the banquet of life begins? Or have we begun the grave robbing in a peremptory strike to snatch old Elmer's molars BEFORE he's dead and between commercial breaks so we don't miss that all important toll-free number when the unctuous carny hypnotist appears to inform us what we should all do in order to get our cash envelope?
How strange we are.
What was received with joy and gladness one day becomes an albatross that must be shed in order to have the happiness illustrated on the television commercial.
Unload your Grannie's teeth and take that trip to Guadalajara.
Oops. My bad. With Swine Flu, a.k.a. H1N1 virus, raging south of the border, you might want to use your new found wealth instead to treat yourself to a spree at a good old Southern casino in Tunica. After all, a bright person like you is sure to hit it big and double your teeth, uh, MONEY, in no time at all!
Sadly, this must come to an end as the laundry buzzer is calling me.
But remember that you, too, can become rich beyond the dreams of avarice by simple selling your old and unwanted gold today! Get up! Make the call! Rush and do it now! Otherwise they may pay even less tomorrow...
"I paid bills with the money I made selling my old scrap dental gold!"
Yeah. Uh-huh.
I have so much old and forgotten gold wadded up in a drawer somewhere that I can send it away for pennies on the dollar and make enough to pay bills, take a vacation and apparently to develop amnesia.
If you discover you have a drawer full of gold, why are you selling it to a refinery for pennies on the dollar when every town and hamlet of respectable size has at least one pawn shop where you could do a little bit better on the price plus you would know the person behind the transaction.
What if they just TAKE your 'old gold' and never send you anything? They can tell you your payment 'must have been lost in the mail'. Oh sure! That's the oldest running gag in the business -the old 'check is in the mail' routine.
And who is it that has SO much of this wadded up gold jewelry or has yanked out all of that latest dental work or gold tooth implant just so that they can afford a vacation? I don't believe I have enough to liquidate my assets and convert it all into a hot dog, much less hundreds of dollars for a vacation!
So who are these dupes who have a jewelry store of personal treasure so worthless to them that they are willing to melt it all down for a refinery recovery fee and take a trip to someplace exotic like the brickyard or the city dump? One wonders if sentiment doesn't ever enter into their thinking. Or chewing ability either.
I have several pieces of good but costume jewelry that have been given to me over the years. The sentiment of who gave it to me and why means more than the 3-cent check I would receive for turning it into scrap metal for sales purposes.
I may not have a whole lot of imagination, but I can fairly see Aunt Maude on spin-cycle in her grave to see her jade and gold brooch being melted down for that trip to Mentone before ski season is over. Yeah, I know, that was funny just typing it. Skiing in Mentone makes almost as much sense as melting down family heirlooms to pay for your lift ticket. Oops. My mistake! They don't have a lift at Mentone.
If you are that deeply burdened by drawers and drawers filled with a lifetime's accumulated treasure that it requires the services of some TV pitchman hawking a 'secure envelope' in which you can load up your goods, I'm thinking you are over-burdened with something far weightier than the gold.
I am suggesting that you are hampered more by stupidity than by the chunks of ore littering your lingerie drawer.
Don't you NEED some teeth to eat with when the banquet of life begins? Or have we begun the grave robbing in a peremptory strike to snatch old Elmer's molars BEFORE he's dead and between commercial breaks so we don't miss that all important toll-free number when the unctuous carny hypnotist appears to inform us what we should all do in order to get our cash envelope?
How strange we are.
What was received with joy and gladness one day becomes an albatross that must be shed in order to have the happiness illustrated on the television commercial.
Unload your Grannie's teeth and take that trip to Guadalajara.
Oops. My bad. With Swine Flu, a.k.a. H1N1 virus, raging south of the border, you might want to use your new found wealth instead to treat yourself to a spree at a good old Southern casino in Tunica. After all, a bright person like you is sure to hit it big and double your teeth, uh, MONEY, in no time at all!
Sadly, this must come to an end as the laundry buzzer is calling me.
But remember that you, too, can become rich beyond the dreams of avarice by simple selling your old and unwanted gold today! Get up! Make the call! Rush and do it now! Otherwise they may pay even less tomorrow...
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