Dear Denise,

While I do not normally spend slavish amounts of time generating fan mail or letters filled with weeping devotion to celebrities, there are times I'd really like to pop a letter in the mail to Denise Austin.

Dear Denise,

Your smiling, sweatless countenance is enough to try the patience of a saint. You are killing me. Although I confess you are toning up places in my body I didn't know existed, I'd really feel like we were in this together if you had to mop up your own puddle of sweat from the floor when we got done.

But no.

You remain high and dry and willfully smiling at my sagging body and keep cheerfully encouraging me to 'move a little more each day'.

I never envied nuns before, but they can sure hide some serious body flaws beneath those habits they don. And I can't imagine them taking time from their prayer routine to do a few rounds with the smiling face of the lovely Denise on DVD for pleasure. I think that would come under the heading of 'penance'.

Rest assured, however, that I continue to dutifully walk, ride my bike, lift the barbells and sweat like a horse pulling a conestoga uphill.

I thank you for the DVD's.

But could you please break a sweat just once for me?

Sincerely,

Shelley

P.S. My best friend Beth said she agrees. You nearly killed her yesterday. I think there is a law in Alabama about attempted murder...

Bathing your Possum

Now and then, I come across a phrase that just absolutely turns my giggle box plumb over. I can't help myself.

"I know you are probably busy, you know, giving your possum a bath..." It was from a TV show (Jonas Brothers - and no I don't even have cable. My sister called to tell me this gem!)

The very thought of someone giving a possum a bath was just too ridiculous to me especially considering how repulsive an actual possum really is. Rat-like tail, odd chunky body and a feral face with evil looking sharp teeth, I can't imagine anyone getting close enough to sponge off any part of one.

Then there is the one about getting the clothes washed. "The laundry is done - the ashes are in the fireplace!" There is just something cheerful about it. Wash a load, burn a load and the laundry is done in no time at all. Of course, you have to be a little selective as to just who will be without clean undies this week (certainly not YOU!), but it's a small price to pay to get the washing done quicker.

"Never hire a color-blind bomb technician." You know the drill, you are sweating bullets as the clock on the bomb counts down to detonation. The technician has a set of wire cutters poised over the wires - yellow, gray, green, blue, white and black. Now the conundrum.

If you can't tell one color from another life gets a bit hard. Momma used to know a man who was colorblind. He saw EVERYTHING in a shade of brown. Imagine the confab over the walkie-talkie over that possibility... Which wire to cut? The brown one, the light brown one, the dark brown one, the medium brown one... CLIP! BOOM! Oops...

Sometimes, my family and friends have words and phrases come out of their mouth that defy all description. It's one of the rare joys to hear one of the malaprops or an intended jab that is just hilarious in the imagery which it brings to mind.

I remember when I was in school, one of my friends got a sharp retort in on a kid who was all about being first at everything. His favorite statement was "The early bird gets the worm."

MMMMM. Tasty.

Here was a true gem of laughter. She said, "Oh yeah? Well, the early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese..." I smile everytime I think about that one.

I just like the parade and spectacle of language. It's nice to know that we can see and hear funny things around us.

And I like to laugh. No matter what our life's load is, I believe laughter can make it a bit lighter to bear.

When was the last time you saw a depressed hyena...?