Strange Things are Happening to Me

Night is a funny time.

The activities of the day should be sufficient to make me tired enough to sleep restfully.

Sometimes that is just an impossibility. For whatever reason, my mind views the night as an opportunity to hit the road and try out every possible and impossible scenario as if it were real.

Trust me when I say, in my sleep, I have done it all.

Last night was a prime example. I was at astronaut camp. Yep. Me. They wanted me to come join the astronauts because of my vaunted skill set developed over years as a wife, mother and homemaker. My educational credentials, limited as they are, even impressed them. Apparently, NASA has really low standards in my dreams...

I was living in an odd time bubble where I was experiencing life both an adult as I am now and as a teenager in high school. One of my friends from that time period of teenage angst and school was ALSO at the training facility. Mary was part of the mission crew. I had no doubt in my mind why she was there. She is BRILLIANT. She has cool mad skills. She knows about computers and coding and how to make things successfully complete the designed mission. She also plays the flute, which somehow wove its way into the whole mission. It was a strange moment where the flute somehow was part of the science experiments on board.

I began to wonder if I was just there to whip up a batch of space brownies.

The scenario unfolded in dramatic fashion...

Prancing around NASA's vast campus in my blue jumpsuit, I was learning a lot about how the whole of NASA made space flight a reality. I was attending classes and lectures, I was driving the moon buggy and I was learning what the astronauts would experience when THEY blasted off. It was exciting. I was eager to be part of the team, but couldn't see how making Dutch oven dinner would be useful in space. The day arrived where we were given our assignments. I was fully expecting to be part of the ground crew prepping the actual astronauts who were to carry our mission and message to the stars. I could see myself in a NASA barbecue apron toiling over some hot coals for the pre-flight dinner they would be enjoying.

Then... my name was called as part of the team. HOLY MOSES! Are you kidding me? A "mission specialist". My brilliant and wonderful friends in the group sure looked like the NASA worthy professionals that would be able to pull it off. They all smiled and assured me I was going to do a great job.

I was terrified and wondered how I was going to manage it with my family left at home. For heaven's sake, Jared can't even drive and would be at home alone all day. For whatever reason, my mind cooked up a scenario in which Rick would be traveling for his company and Jared would be left in the capable hands... uh, make that PAWS, of Gypsy who would watch over him and report each day's progress via satellite linkage.

As if that wasn't weird enough to make you say "Do what???", the nagging thought of my own weaknesses physically thrust themselves into the conversation. Sometimes, I get motion sickness, so how was I going to manage a space flight? I don't think NASA has little foil lined barf bags aboard their rockets..."THAT DOESN'T MATTER!!" the booming voice of our faceless trainer intoned. I'm glad HE thinks so! Our adventure began.

We trained, we ran, we did exercises to ready our minds and bodies for the tasks that would be part of our crew's jobs. We were launching on a modern, updated version of the Saturn V.  A great whacking rocket painted in the brilliant white and starkly contrasting black that we've come to expect from our space program. I've always thought that being launched into space would be kinda cool... I can get over my motion sickness and enjoy the ride in due time.

Partway through the events of our post launch mission, we were eating these little floating bags of Cheerios. I love Cheerios, so that part of the dream didn't seem all that odd, except for the fact that the little bags would just appear when I needed a snack. It actually kinda made me happy. I don't want to eat weird stuff in space. That might add to my motion sickness in ways we shall not discuss here.

What happened next still strikes me as scary-strange even though I know it was a dream. We were immersed in our various mission responsibilities when we heard a loud metallic bang. It was not good news. A rent in the spacecraft was threatening our mission. Warning klaxons sounded out their dire distress tones. Our ship and our lives were in danger.

Everyone looked at me. With my Cheerios in hand, I wondered what they were looking at. "You need to fix this for us and take care of us!", they chirped.

Do what???

Have you all lost whatever remains of your everlovin' pea pickin' minds???? Do I LOOK like I can fix this???

You have engineers, physicists, scientists, computer geniuses and all manner of experienced NASA ready people who can most certainly do a better job than I can muster to repair this ship... yet you have all turned into some kind of helpless and floundering goombahs who are unable to ascertain the problem, let alone how to fix it??

Holy Moses! In my dream I was praying: "Lord, please help us all... for they are depending upon me who must certainly be the "least of these" on this ride!"

Acting robotically and reaching into my Mary Poppins carpet bag (I told you this was weird), I pulled out a London Fog Umbrella. Woo hoo! It was just like the one I had destroyed for Daddy when I was an adventurous kid trying to fly... and yeah, I'm seeing the irony in this moment.

Pushing it through the hole in our spacecraft, I popped the button to deploy the umbrella then, in an instant, was performing EVA work to seal in the atmosphere of the ship with some camouflage duct tape which I secured around the rim of the umbrella. The camo tape part is totally Brad Paisley's fault since I was listening to him before bed.

The hilarious thing was, the slapdash repair even lasted for our reentry. NASA's heat tiles and their failure doom ships, yet a London Fog umbrella guaranteed our safe reentry. Go figure. At last I can redeem myself for flying with Daddy's umbrella!

Dream meanings are escaping me on this one since it is such a mismatch of some very real life circumstances blended with fantasy of the most epic nature.

Is it, as Momma used to say, a 'liver and onions dream' that is just weird? Or is there something revealing about my personality that will certainly prove to be either dangerous or just plain psychotic?

What does it mean? Does it mean anything? I don't know. I may never know.

But now you know why I wake myself and others up by talking in the middle of the night in gibberish and gobbledygook about Cheerios, NASA and dog babysitters.

Manners Matter

We are not the same. We cannot be. That is not the journey for which we have been sent to this earth. In making that statement, I am acknowledging that I truly realize that our various life circumstance differ. Our upbringing and our tolerances are shaped by the realities of how we are raised and by whom the job is done.

But I am sick to death of hearing stories of our society increasingly revealing to the world that we have, individually and, in some cases, collectively, been raised by wolves.

Manners matter. And good manners change how we are viewed by others in the social world around us.

Of late, I have been distressed by the number of bullying and video taped fights that are making their way into the mainstream social media. It makes hooliganism gather friends and adherents instead of keeping anti-social behavior as a thing to be avoided under most circumstances.

The news media grants credence to the reports by airing them over and over again ad nauseum. Do we not have any GOOD things to report?

Of course we do.

Sadly, our society has managed to fall into the trap of believing that we need scandal to survive by making ourselves feel better by viewing the horrible actions and tragedies of a fellow traveler on this third rock from the sun.

Why do we do it?

When we are toddlers, we believe might makes right.

It is arguable that many have simply grown into larger toddlers who still function as if they push harder and talk louder and gesture more broadly that they are right in everything they do. It isn't true, but they believe it and act as if it is a truth enforceable by muscle and might.

Can we please return to civility?

Does anyone truly remember what that means?

Miss Manners needs to pay a visit to every school and refresh the remembrance of what is socially acceptable and what is not.

Radioactive Me

Cardiac stress test.

Like my regular life isn't a stress test all by itself! Sheesh!

Today I had to make an appearance to be stressed. The point being is heart health but I understand the secret part of testing is to strip you half naked (or whole naked in some cases), rob you of your dignity, shove needles into sensitive locations and pump in various solutions and fluids which have been lovingly shelf stored in the Antarctic somewhere near Mr. Popper's Penguins.

I had on skivvies, shorts and an exercise t-shirt beneath my winter wear today. The temperature dropped overnight from about 60 degrees to somewhere near the freezing point. Little did I know the place for the testing wasn't much warmer and had plans for me to see just how cold they could make me from the inside out.


The first shot of radiated solution made my mouth have a momentary metallic taste that passed through as almost an afterthought. As the tech was telling me that might happen, it was over and gone.

I got a saline flush and then I went to sit and wait until the stuff have coursed through my veins enough to register.

While I was sitting there, a man older than me was cussing, fussing and fuming because he, too, had been told to come at 8 a.m. for a cardiac stress test. He must never have had one before or he'd know how the lobby shuffle works. It's like 3 card Monte for an 8 a.m. slot while they jack you up with a port in your arm and the first injection of "glow juice". Since he wasn't there when I passed back through later on my way to get my Doppler done, I assume he finally won his "hand" and got jabbed, too.


As my name was called the second time to return to the reefer truck that held the equipment, I realized that the ambient external temperature and the allegedly warmed internal temperature were a scant two degrees apart. They apologized profusely for the "chill" then commanded me to strip down to my skimpy exercise clothing for the treadmill test.


Did I mention that they injected me a second time at this point with some more solution? Yep another shot in the arm of TVA's finest iceberg temperature rinse water with some radioactive waste in it. This time, the metallic taste in my mouth was more like chewing aluminum foil for the savor. I'm kinda concerned that with all these isotopes floating around in my body that I will be my own night light later this evening...


They assure everyone that won't happen, but I remember telling patients years ago the same comforting words of hope and promise while jacking them up with their own glow juice for their scans. Nothing like injecting or drinking poison to save your life, right?


The gal that was there to apply the various sticky patches that would read my cardiac function apologized over and over for her cold hands. She needed to. I've dressed dead people who were warmer. Seriously, sister, buy some dang gloves for those frozen digits! And the alcohol prep pads had also been kept on ice just for me.

Perhaps I forgot to tell you this little gem: that they also use a bit of sandpaper to ensure a good contact point? Oh, you didn't know that did you? Yep, they use some fine grit sandpaper and rub the hide off of you just enough that the adhesive will stick well and then rip off the second, third and fourth layers of dermal tissue and leave you looking like a polka dotted victim of modern medicine upon their removal later in the day.

By the time we got the scans underway the second time, I was so dang cold that couldn't feel my fingers or toes. And I'm reasonably sure parts of me froze and fell off. I just hope it wasn't anything I might need later on. Of course, it can't be my saddlebags, my gut or my butt that froze off... everyone knows it NEVER gets cold enough to truly freeze your butt off. Kinda sad...

Anyway, when all the testing, sliming, sanding, poking, injecting, scanning and sweating were done, I was commanded to return Thursday of next week to receive the results of the testing.

I hope they got the information they needed. Because frankly, this gal is all tested out. I think I have won a free pass to say "NO" and say it emphatically the next time they gin up some kind of procedure they want to see me naked to perform.

I'm about ready to buy a burka.

Should you happen to pass my house later this evening and see a glow coming from my windows as it is passing through the home, don't worry... it's just me. They promise I'll flush this stuff out of my within 24 hours. The question is, will the pee glow... and do I need a black light to find out?

But Daddy, we're SHARING!!!

Anyone who has welcomed a hound into the household as a fully fledged member knows that they are soon the boss of life in general.

Such is the case with our current canid resident who believes that she alone is the arbiter of right and wrong within the confines of the four walls of our home.

Although reluctant to offer us space in her comfortable doggy beds (yes, there are more than one of them... shut up!), Gypsy is more than happy to share OUR furniture with us because after all, we are FAMILY.

Rick has become the unfortunate butt of the jokes when it comes to our dogs over the years. Smokey, our first furry child, was a fond visitor to his pillow. He would lie upon it, lick it and steal it for himself. Sometimes, he would craftily sneak down into the covers, make a U-turn and then lie down on his back with his head on Rick's pillow and his front paws extended over the covers like a small, hirsute child. And he would smile with his brilliant, Pepsodent white teeth showing as if to say "Thanks, Dad, this is mighty comfy!"

Gypsy has a slightly different take on it all.

She sneaks and insinuates herself into various places in the house. Not content to lie upon the bed in Daddy's spot, Gypsy steals his pillow, tosses it high into the air, body slams it and apparently, from what we have both ascertained and seen in actual demonstration, does cannonballs on the bed itself. Because we have an air mattress type bed, and because we each have our own settings, it is patently obvious that she prefers the "spongy" side of the bed where Rick sleeps to perform her death defying gymnastics. That is the place where the divots remain when she has exhausted her repertoire of mind boggling feats that the circus can only dream of duplicating.

In addition to the bed stealing and frequent cover hogging that Gypsy enjoys. She has taken a liking to various other furniture in the house. Most notably is her fondness for napping in "Daddy's chair". Daddy's chair is a navy blue, floral wing back living room chair that we purchased secondhand when the first secondhand chair died an untimely death.

This chair is admittedly comfortable, but I have trouble getting out of it because it is TOO comfortable. Plus the angle of my knees to my hips when I am buried in it makes getting up a trifle difficult. I seldom use this chair. That was, apparently, an open invitation for use by other household members and Jared was NOT first in line.

At first, Gypsy would stealthily creep up into the chair paw by paw as if it was some sort of night maneuver of a guilty looking paramilitary force. There was scarcely a sound of the compression of the cushion as she would insert her body into the chair's comfortable space. She would look around to see if scolding was to follow and when she was assured that it was not forthcoming, Gypsy would settle down and close her eyes with a victoriously smug smile on her face.

When she would hear Rick's footfall, she would rouse and leap from the chair to prevent recrimination and discipline.

But now, age and seniority have apparently kicked in. She has overheard us discussing the ratio of human to canine years and is smart enough to do the math. She is the senior citizen of the household and as such feels fully justified in asserting her "right" to the chair.

Gypsy is smart enough to understand that Daddy doesn't WANT to share his chair and cunning enough to enforce her will upon him. Naturally, she will reluctantly move herself from his chair and come to me for reassurance when Daddy scolds her for leaving her furry butt marks all over HIS domain.

Gypsy doesn't mind. Literally. She does NOT mind. As soon as he leaves the chair to go get a drink, visit the bathroom or just get a book from the back, Gypsy slides up into his chair with a triumphant glee that rivals anything Cleopatra ever considered. She is queen of the chair, just like Cleopatra claimed queen of the Nile status. The big difference is that Gypsy bows to no one in her quest for comfort.

That Rick is deprived of a place to sit means NOTHING to her. Gypsy just stretches out, arches her back and looks dolefully upon him as he banishes her from the furniture yet again. She knows she will be back. McArthur-like, she will be back to claim the beachhead and establish her landing craft on the soft cushions.

She thinks they are SHARING.

Or at least that is the impression she wants us to believe. In reality, this cunning hound knows that sharing isn't the modus operandi at all. Chair dominance is the name of the game. She plans to have the chair for herself any time she desires to use it.

Our comfort doesn't matter to her at all.

Not one whit

Because, with her guilty little chocolate brown eyes, she tells him "But Daddy, we are sharing... on MY terms!"