How relieved we must all feel! The newspapers and online journals of the lifestyles of the rich and famous herald the good news for us all to bask in and feel warm and fuzzy all over.
Lindsay Lohan is in rehab. . .again.
In UTAH, of all places.
Certainly those nice tee-totalling Mormon people and their fabulous choir can do for LiLo what the Hollyweird crowd was unable to manage. Having determined the evil influence of Tinsle Town must be replaced with HOLY-wood, it is now time to give those pesky current and former polygamists a chance to clean up the cash cow for another run at box office glory and fame, or at least the money that she generates.
While LiLo is gratefully drowning in the vitamin shakes and blended nutritional beverages straight from the Shaklee dealers hands, she will most certainly be approached about joining the most mystical of Mormon icons that is both revered and feared by the world at large. She may not have the willpower to resist drugs and alcohol, but the question here is whether or not LiLo has the ability to resist the seductive pull of becoming a dreaded member of that strange money grubbing cult that is so pervasive in the mountain west.
From Disney saint to sinner to AMWAY distributor - the rise, fall and subsequent meteoric ascent of a Hollywood B-List starlet to dewy eyed saleslady for Tahitian Noni International or Nu Skin, we helplessly watch her become what everyone feared she would be - a pitch woman for everything MLM!
Sure, she's no longer hitting the sauce or snorting up her box office earnings through one nostril with a rolled up twenty on a cracked makeup mirror, but now (horror of horrors!), she has morphed into something that people fear more than a drunk driver on a one way street.
LiLo has become a power broker in a pyramid scheme that make the builders for Cheops and Khufu look like pikers. With her celebrity past and slightly tainted soul, everyone falls at her feet to see redemption in action for only $29.95. Flashing a dazzling smile and a toss of her variously hued hair to the camera, all can be forgiven on the installment plan so long as you provide the names, addresses and phone numbers of 20 of your very best friends who will join you in your own personal building block to Ms. Lohan's new and vastly improved career as a marketing genius.
Who knew?
Soon, her smiling visage will grace the cover of the monthly sales reports for XanGo and 4Life. She will be approached by adherants to the Qing Mei lifestyle to represent the fung shui of the MLM lifestyle.
LiLo will forsake all of Hollywood to be enriched by the freely offered dollars of stupid and deluded Utahn's who honestly believe that if they join her in the pursuit of riches and fortune the MLM way that they can be granted, if not their own day in the sun, at least the money from the venture, which will all be appropriately tithed.
That's the buying power of celebrity.
When the lights go down on the spectacular crash and burn, all that is left is someone who was famous once pandering to the disinterested mainstream and the hapless wanna-be's who might give them one more chance at the bright lights of the big city.
And failing all of that, LiLo is close enough to Sundance to work as a ski-shop bunny hustling boots, bindings and bibs to the rich and/or famous who pass through Utah for its fresh, powdery snow. You know, that white stuff that covers the MOUNTAINS, not to be confused with the white stuff that usually lines their nostrils.
If she gets off of her work shift in time, she can rush to the conference center in Salt Lake City and catch the rehearsal of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Rumor has it she can sing or that she put out a record once. Or twice. Maybe they will give her an audition or invite her to participate in an outreach program to former starlets run amok.
If not, she can console herself that she is in a state where forgiveness is both a wonderful gift and, sadly, a sellable commodity. Everyone likes to see the bad seed made good. That is why the movies that fill our theaters are so popular. We all enjoy fantasy. It is such a refreshing break from the realities of our daily life.
Good luck in Utah, Ms. Lohan. I hope you get it right this time and more importantly, that you do it for the right reasons and the right person - namely, yourself.
Because if you don't, we may well be reading one of those delightfully vague celebrity obituaries that fill a tiny spot of our time until the funeral is over.
And that will only enrich the pockets of the vultures who are omnipresent - just waiting for a chance to make money on the suffering of lost souls.
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