Below Freezing

Winter used to inspire thoughts of snowy landscapes, sledding and snowball fights with forts and fun and excitement.

The only thing winter inspires now is thoughts of hibernation. Well, that and a big ole whopping tube of Icy Hot.

Most nights, when the thermometer callously and indifferently dips below the freezing mark, I slip into the bedroom ahead of bedtime to begin the nightly ritual that ensures I will be able to move at all the next day.

Clicking the control with my foot, I turn the electric blanket on my bed up to 'barbecue'. By the time I slide between the sheets, I can feel the waves of heat soaking into my aching joints. It makes a difference most days, I promise. Sometimes, I can go through the morning without making 'old lady' noises.

Other days, the heating routine can't compete with my schedule that propels me out my door into the relentless cold that literally freezes my legs into Popsicles...or leg-sicles. Whatever.

It's time for the invention of a lifetime. But lacking the skill to sew up what I am seeing in my mind, I will require a design team with both the skill of a seamstress and the mechanical and electrical know-how of an engineer.

It's time to slip into some 'electric pants'. Yep. if we can make electric blankets then why not 'electric pants'? The gentle heat produced by the electric pants would enable my aching body to enjoy the day instead of dreading the sunrise during the brilliant but cold mornings that are part of the winter.

They could be made of stylish materials that would look decent while going out, yet be fully washable in the average home. They would be equipped with a waterproof plug system that hooked to a lightweight rechargeable battery that offered overnight charging while you were tucked in under the electric blanket on the bed.

I realize this would have a limited consumer appeal. But I can apply for a grant to pay for my start up, production and advertising costs to the same branch of the government that pays for the study of cow farts and the long term uses of manure. I'm quite sure they would pay. This seems just as frivolous...uh...NECESSARY.

I am quite sure there are other people on this planet who feel like their teeth are chattering before the door is quite open and for whom winter is an unkind reminder that their legs are slowly turning into human stalactites. They would appreciate the soothing warmth of electric pants.

Nursing homes and care facilities could be filled with people clad in waterproof and comfortable electric pants that would help keep them warm and possibly healthier during the cold and flu seasons.

During the winter months, attractive patterned stirrup versions would be worn by church-going women who are sick of freezing to death while worshiping at the congregation of their choice.

People who had outside jobs requiring them to suffer in the cold or bundle up like Nanook of the North could benefit from the adjustable heat settings and keep comfortable regardless of the outside temperature. They could be rated for different climates and altitudes.

Bib overall style versions would be appreciated by the farmers on the go as a way of doing their work without as much chill. As a special benefit, a pocket could be created on them which would gently toast sandwiches for consumption during their day of activity away from home.

The possibilities are endless!

In any case, our local weatherman cheerfully informed me it was going to be colder tonight than it was last night. I am ready to slip into my bed beneath my soft, fluffy and WARM electric blanket. I can just read until bedtime. Or I can lie there and stare at the pulled plaster ceiling and see how many cute little animal shapes and faces I can see in the pattern... see, hypothermia is already setting in!! Quick, to the electric blanket!

If I had electric pants, none of this would be happening.

Please send your contributions to me. They won't be tax deductible yet, but they will be most appreciated.