B.C.G.'s

The first time I heard Beth use the acronym B.C.G.'s, I said "what?".

Now I know. Birth Control Glasses. Glasses guaranteed to reduce your attractiveness to the opposite sex and hence, reduce your chances for an encounter of any meaningful nature.

The U.S. Military issue glasses aren't known for their stylish attributes. You have to pay extra to look good - vanity costs. What the military issues to its service men and women are simply inexpensive and "practical".

The word practical harks up all kinds of visions that aren't lovely. Not lovely at all.

Birth Control Glasses. What a concept! What do you see in your mind's eye?

The geek who sat behind you in Physical Science who always wore the high water pants, a calculator holder fastened securely to his belt from which he deployed a Texas Instruments multifunctional graphic scientific calculator that he really didn't need because "he knows the math", a pocket protector from some plumbing contractor which he inherited from dear old Dad, and a watch that displayed digital time, which was ALSO a calculator just as a backup.

You know the guy. He is a hard worker. And probably saved your butt in class a zillion times by patiently re-explaining something until you got it right.

But those glasses really took the edge off of any relationship other than 'just a friend from class'.

Try those same glasses out on a gal... shudder!

Let's just say they conjure up an image of some dowdy, frumpy, frazzled and socially clueless chick who doesn't know one end of a shrimp fork from another without consulting the fold-out chart in Emily Post.

She is wearing a dress that reminds you of something from a rummage sale that no one else wanted and which she purchased because "she felt sorry for it".

It has a lacy fake collar which detaches and attaches to other similar shapeless dresses that do a really credible job of hiding who she really is.

The glasses do their job in an utterly ruthless manner. They are so unattractive as to instantly render the wearer a social pariah just by slipping them on.

Generally the lenses are clad in black frames and sometimes these glasses also bear a little metal accent on the top of the outside edge of each eye frame, or maybe a little faux jewel or two to add that really un-hot full-on librarian look. And if the girl is especially behind the times, she will add a little 'jeweled' chain to keep the glasses from running away.

Guys employ a 'sports band' to keep their B.C.G.'s in place, although everyone knows they are only athletic if we count chess and Math Team. They can't catch or throw a ball to save their life, be they male or female.

Truth be told, they are brilliant. They can see past the hormones and acne and trauma of teenage years and young adult awkwardness and into a life with an actual job, benefits and a future.

Girls don't like guys in B.C.G.'s... until they want to get married and settle down. Until then, they want the Harley-straddling, leather wearing, tough acting bad boy who will only hurt them and ride off into the setting sun leaving her with only a bitter memory and a lesson that will take years to get over. Bad boys don't settle down. They take off.

Guys don't like girls in B.C.G's... until they want to talk about something more substantial than what was in Cosmo this month and spend endless hours discussing which black shoes, out of the thousands of pairs the campus kitten has in her closet, should be worn with a black dress to a dinner party for which they are already an hour late. Sure, the other guys will be jealous, but she is only there because she wanted to go to a party with an escort and get a free meal while she chit chats for HOURS in the ladies room with the other campus kittens...

The ideal combination is someone who is a hybrid. Part B.C.G.'s and part fantasy. How do we get this kind of blend? Is some form of laboratory experimentation part of the equation?

Shades of Frankenstein come into your mind as you think about combining the brains of the B.C.G. wearing genius with the body of the bad boy or sorority girl.

How to do it without winding up with the worst of both possible worlds - a B.C.G. wearing giggling idiot? That isn't attractive in ANY scenario.

Time is the answer.

While growing older happens to everyone even in this age of Botox and silicon, the time-tested maturity comes only to those who want and are willing to work to become more than they were in high school. It makes them open to the possibilities that there truly is someone out there who can love them for their body... AND love them for their fabulous brains.

Most of the time, you find out that what is behind the glasses was worth growing up to get after all. They haven't wasted who they really are on the people who would just use that 'specialness' for their own purposes. And they generally aren't jaded by an endless parade of cheap relationships that have soured them on life. People in B.C.G.'s are long term people, by and large.

I speak in general terms, but I know that for every general term there is always an exception. There will always be those folks wear B.C.G.'s who DESERVE to wear them because doing so keeps their DNA out of the genetic pool. And the rest of us are thankful. That's mean, but there you go.

Then again, there are some who are already in the genetic swim who should be ISSUED some B.C.G.'s as a matter of general principal.

Enjoy the rest of the day. Have some lemonade. Wave at your neighbor. Pet a friendly hound dog. Then, open your nightstand drawer and smile down at those B.C.G.'s that are lying atop the Agatha Christie novel you are reading just at bedtime.

Most of us over the age of 40 have some... military issue or not. Put them on, take them off, either way, be who you really are - fabulous, brilliant and sexy.