Under a consciousness of your guilt

1 AND now, I speak also concerning those who do not believe in Christ.
2 Behold, will ye believe in the day of your visitation—behold, when the Lord shall come, yea, even that great day when the earth shall be rolled together as a scroll, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, yea, in that great day when ye shall be brought to stand before the Lamb of God—then will ye say that there is no God?
3 Then will ye longer deny the Christ, or can ye behold the Lamb of God? Do ye suppose that ye shall dwell with him under a consciousness of your guilt? Do ye suppose that ye could be happy to dwell with that holy Being, when your souls are racked with a consciousness of guilt that ye have ever abused his laws?
4 Behold, I say unto you that ye would be more miserable to dwell with a holy and just God, under a consciousness of your filthiness before him, than ye would to dwell with the damned souls in hell.
5 For behold, when ye shall be brought to see your nakedness before God, and also the glory of God, and the holiness of Jesus Christ, it will kindle a flame of unquenchable fire upon you.
6 O then ye unbelieving, turn ye unto the Lord; cry mightily unto the Father in the name of Jesus, that perhaps ye may be found spotless, pure, fair, and white, having been cleansed by the blood of the Lamb, at that great and last day.

(Book of Mormon | Mormon 9:1 - 6)

I have been reading from the passages of the Book of Mormon that talk about the condition of our souls at the time when we will be brought before our Maker to give an accounting of ourselves during our mortal probation.

As mortal beings, we each suffer from what is a uniquely human event, namely, the ability to magnify the sins and shortcomings of the other fellow while turning our own peccadilloes into minute specks of dust not worthy of attention.

Some of us have a harder time with this visual adjustment than others based upon the spiritual character of our own heart and soul.

Every time I have the opportunity to attend the temple, be it one of the "home" temples or one while I am traveling, I am struck deeply at the privilege it is to be allowed to enter into God's Holy House at all.

Being an imperfect person who struggles on a seemingly hourly basis with the conditions of my own mortality, the idea that I have qualified myself by the choices I have made to walk through those doors is staggering. For I know that it is not by my own skill set alone that I am allowed through for this opportunity to be in the presence of the Divine. Without the redeeming blood of Him who suffered in my behalf in ways I cannot comprehend, there would be no admittance at all. Trying diligently to avoid the trap of self-delusion, my reflection in the mirror each day is a barometer of personal progress.

Am I able to look myself in the eyes or do I avoid my own gaze in a hang-dog guilty fashion, ashamed of what I know lies behind the blueish green of my eyes?

Is there some shadow of feeling that lurks nearby speaking softly to my heart decrying my guilt and remorse for all those ways in which I have failed to follow Christ, or have I deftly silenced that consciousness under a blanket of quiet desperation and delusion?

To answer that question, I reflect on a different Book of Mormon scripture:

16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night–time.
24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

(Book of Mormon | 2 Nephi 4:16 - 35)

There is a hope for salvation beyond the ability I possess to save myself. Though my choices and my effort to rise above the common and do more than average does weigh into the equation, I need and I desire so much more than just to skid through to the back pew of the Kingdom of God. I need to be welcomed home by my Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ.

The only way I know to do anything to prepare for that moment is to go to the House of the Lord bearing my imperfections and guilt and pray for them both to be swept away by Him who is Mighty to Save.

This is one activity that brings a sense of peace and contentment which cannot be matched by anything in the outside world. It is the opportunity to place my all at the very foot of the cross and approach the throne of God and importune Him for the opportunity to be more than saved... to be made ready to become exalted.

And there is a huge difference.

To be saved from the effects of sin and mortality is a huge blessing, but to have the opportunity to literally dwell in the very presence of God the Father and Jesus Christ requires more - it requires that I become like them. Not just close, for that is not enough.

I must become like them in my every action and deed. I must choose as they would choose because it is my deepest desire, not because I am guilty and afraid of what might come if I don't.

I must desire to do what is right under all circumstances because it is right and not count the cost.

In order to have all that the Father offers, I must want to receive it, for truly it is the mortal side of the equation that stumbles at the gift and not the hand of the Divine Giver.

A wise Bishop once told me that guilt can be a powerful motivator to do the right thing and that our memories of struggling to overcome our weaknesses can be a powerful tool to advance the needed changes in our personal life. Then, he said the most important part of all - to forgive OURSELVES for our sins and shortcomings is also part of the job.

Without the forgiveness of ourselves for those things which we have truly repented of and for, the process is incomplete - it is, in essence, holding the restoring mercy and love of the Atonement of Jesus Christ at arm's length from our own soul.

Having guilt about a past moment of regret over sin is good if we allow it to lead us to the Light. Wallowing in that guilt as a marinating moment that prevents movement toward a course correction is just a waste of our time.

It neither removes the guilt nor changes our heart. Instead, it can actually cause us to begin to justify our actions by use of a very myopic mortal scale. Our chains, much like Scrooge saw in his dreams, are very real. We begin with those things that are small and continue until the Devil has us bound in his chains and we fear there is no redemption for us. He wants us to believe that, because the Devil has no power over us that we do not yeild to him.

But Jesus Christ can break the chains FOR US. He already has done it! Now, the only thing standing between us and freedom is the recognition of what price His pure blood has paid for our sins and filth and accept His offer to make us whole.

I want to be free to accept the offer and return home.

The only way I know to make that possible is by returning frequently to the House of the Lord where the undiluted spirit of God can give me the insight I need to make it through the obstacle course of life and into the promised land of Eternity. Only there can I feel the worth of my soul in His sight. And only there can I remove myself from the earthly trappings that can seem so important and obscure my view of God.

Today I'm going to the temple...