Naked Air

Forget all that you ever thought you knew about the airline industry. They have jumped the shark and gone back for seconds. A brilliant move in some board room somewhere in our vast nation of think tank mentalities has produced what has to be the most dumbass policy of all time.

Flyers will now have to PAY for carry-on luggage.

That's right happy campers... your carry on will now cost you on Spirit Airlines. It is a regional airliner with a limited service, but the stupidity they have just enacted will most certainly ripple its way through the fetid pond of greedy commerce that already charges passengers for checked luggage.

The entire rest of the shark infested pool of airliners are watching the proceeding to see if they, too, can follow suit and start charging for the use of those pesky and annoying overhead bins. Afterall, they inconvenience so many people who have to wait while some poor drone collects their bag and besides, the wait can totally prevent sprinters from setting Olympic qualifying times while leaving a flight.

Since airlines started charging for checked bags several years ago and lemming-like, we all paid for the privilege of carrying our undies with us on a flight, I guess they assume the gravy train is good for another round with this latest stunt.

Considering all that we are subjected to with new restrictions and searches with body scanners that are going online everywhere, is there to be no end to the continued layers of hoops we are expected to obediently jump through? I have to ask myself if these people have been breathing or drinking something the rest of us aren't.

So, in the interest of idiocy, why not just get rid of the entire parade and spectacle of baggage hell once and for all? Hmmmm. I wonder how that might play out?

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Naked Air, with non-stop service to no place you'd ever want to travel anyway and no-frills flying on a skimpy, shoestring budget. First class passengers will please fasten your velcro straps on your plastic lawn chair and prepare for takeoff."

"For those of you in our economy section, in-floor handles have been provided for your convenience in lieu of chairs or seatbelts as we take off. Those of you who are taking advantage of our student tickets who are traveling in the area formerly designated as cargo are free to simply float about as our pilot for this flight performs a series of perabolas for your entertainment."

"If this is your first flight with Naked Air, rest assured that truly we care about your flight experience. Those who mailed packages of your clothing and toiletry items to their arrival destination will be pleased to know that the USPS has guaranteed package delivery in 3 to 5 working days from the time of shipement under their newly structured work week. For our new passengers who only mailed their items today before flight time, please do not concern yourself with how you appear to the crew or other passengers who are frequent fliers of Naked Air in your embarrassed nudity." 

"Whatever you have, we've already seen and if we see something new, we won't know what it is anyway, so relax."

"Due to sanitary and disease policies of Naked Air, all onboard equipment is upholstery free and can be santized with a pressure washer and disinfectant between flights. We are totally compliant with current CDC policy regarding the prevention of transmission of contagious diseases."

"Should there be an emergency requiring an unexpected landing at an airport not on our route plans, Naked Air has made arrangements for every contingency and has aboard a selection of handiwipe smocks for any unforseen public appearance. These will only be distributed in case of dire emergency. Also, due to CDC policy, there are no airline blankets due to risk of cross contamination, so we hope no one has thyroid issues and trouble regulating their body temperature."

"Again, we thank you for choosing Naked Air to be your carrier and hope you will enjoy the spacious overhead room and the freedom you feel as you fly with the knowlege that you have saved hundreds of dollars without the cumbersome and expensive additional fees charged by other airlines to carry silly baggage."

I hope it doesn't come to that.

But on the off chance that it does, be prepared to give advance notice of every event and expect it to take a week to go somewhere in the US by car in my clothing and with my luggage...