Melancholy

It is an experience unlike any other.

The day begins with the promise of what can be accomplished and the feelings of how good it will be to check off the various items on the eternal "to do" list.

Then, someone or something changes the innocent optimism into a feeling of despair and loneliness without equal.

It's worse than a punch in the gut because it is a nagging sorrowful feeling that blossoms into emotional upheaval at the drop of a hat. Just when you think you are over the spasm of contorted and twisted personal agenda, it strikes again.

My life plans generally revolve around the schedules and needs of other people, both those inside my home and those outside who press upon me with needs and desires that fill the space on my calendars. Driven as I am to be somewhat of a people pleaser in my older years, based most certainly on my careless disregard for the feelings of others in my youth, I don't want to tell anyone "NO" if I can keep it from happening.

But sometimes, I want to do something for me that will strengthen my feeble knees and lift up my hands that hang down.

And I get told "NO" because it isn't important enough to make the agenda of anyone else.

Trying to be adult about the circumstances, I rationalize my melancholic moods affect me and my well-being far more than anyone else I'm trying to 'touch' with my emotional hammer.

Is it wrong to want some time?

And speaking of time, I need to go and do. Sitting here isn't helping me feel better. Contrarily, it's actually making it all worse.