Sunday off kilter

Our meetings for church are from 1 to 4 p.m. while the building remodeling and new construction rages on. It makes my Sunday feel sort of like an episode of the Outer Limits.

I don't mind the odd time most Sundays, but there are some Sundays that are definitely harder than others and I miss that drooling, eyes partially opened, slack-jawed napping that used to take up part of the day... generally sometime between the hours of 1 and 4 p.m.

I'm a big girl and can get along without a nap fairly well, but there is something luxurious about having a nap that refreshes.

Sadly, that isn't possible unless I do the napping during church. Although it wouldn't ruffle my feathers one bit to stretch out across a pew and wrap up in my thoughtfully packed beforehand stadium blankie, others would whine.

Don't you just hate whiners?

They would say ugly things about how I shouldn't be there if I'm too tired to be away. Probably a valid point, but so is the point about being there in church unless I'm dead.

They might mention the fact that I'm taking up a significant portion of the pew in a horizontal position preventing other congregants from having a place to sit. To them I say, "Use the overflow seating! That's why God invented it... so people who overflowed the regular seats could sit down somewhere less padded."

Frankly, they don't have a leg to stand on, or a butt cheek to sit on, regarding this issue because everyone knows latecomers get the sloms and drinds of seating anyway and shouldn't expect to usurp the padded benches upon their late arrival.

Of course, the ever present issue of snoring is of concern. Thankfully, if you poke me, I stop snoring and break your finger. Solves that concern!

Then, the finally issue of the parting of the seas of drool... if you are troubled by drool from sleepers, I would ask that you focus your kind attentions on things of a more troubling nature that people who are not in a somnambulant state do...

Non-church sleepers are well known to commit 99.9% of all crimes.

Non-church sleepers cause 99.9% of all motor vehicle accidents.

Non-church sleepers are responsible for world hunger.

The list goes on and on and on.

So quit bugging me and let me catch 40 winks between hymns. Of course, that might create a problem since I generally sit right up in front to direct the music for the congregational singing...

Should I disappear from sight between the music having slid out of my seat and into the floor, just get up and take my place to direct the next hymn.

I guarantee NO ONE will notice since they don't pay attention to the person leading the hymns anyway. That's why there are 73 different tempos going on in your average church service as well as having about 16 variant volumes of singing.

If only I had perfected sleep walking... it could have been an interesting day.