Jalapeño Lipstick

I am a fan of the hot stuff.

The tingly sensation and the back of the throat match strike that brings on the heat is a delightful moment of pure bliss.

But on chapped lips... uh, not so much.

For whatever reason, fall into winter turns my lips into so much shredded skin. Copious application of lip balm, lip treatment, lip therapy and a virtual host of other alleged lip saving gels, ointments and sticks seem to do nothing but make the cracked skin supple little giblets that render my tender lips nothing more than an open wound waiting for oral offense.

We, the merry trio of escapees from daily life, stopped for lunch on the way to the Time Out For Women event at our favorite 5-Star Restaurant - Subway. It's truly one of the few places where you have total control on the meats, the veggies and the fire applied to your chosen sandwich bread. Beth, Xan and I bellied up to the counter to place our orders for lunch.

I just love turkey and Black Forest ham! They, when judiciously combined with a boatload of vegetables, make a mighty, unbeatable and tasty combination. I asked for a helping of everything but the nasty little banana peppers, which always seem to look like shrivelled yellow skin rings, and the onions which make my breath offensive to myself.

We got our food, sat down at a booth and 'took the curse off of it' with a prayer, then dug in for a treat.

Vesuvius, Pompeii, Mount Saint Helen's, Mount Etna, Mount Fuji... Which volcanoes past and present did I leave out??

HOLY FLAMING PILES OF BURNING LIP REMNANTS!!!!

I have been assaulted by jalapeños... and they are laughing. No, not the jalapeños, the other two women on this ride. Okay, maybe the jalapeños are giggling just a little bit, but that isn't the point.

The two partners in crime for our weekend of freedom are sitting there thinking I have turned into a snivelling wiener who "can't take the heat"!

This isn't heat. This is lava.

One stinking little pepper piece. Direct from the heart of Pele's fury.

Get that people! It was a ring of fire... hee hee.

Even in my suffering, I am a brilliantly witty individual. But I digress... back to the lips, or what remains of them.

Water welled up in my eyes, I couldn't breathe well and I am sure my face was a shade or two darker in the red spectrum due to the volcanic influence of the pepper.

I wiped my eyes and sucked back a voluminous amount of water while they were exhorting me to tell them what was going on.

Let me explain something ladies... when your face is on fire, talking isn't exactly an option. I'm not even sure sign language would have helped since at that moment the signs I would have rendered would have been the flagrant variety that your Momma told you were in "extremely poor taste" and not ever used by "a lady of quality". That I know about them should indicate something about my character, but I'm working on it, okay people?

When I was finally able to articulate something more than the moaning sounds of a woman being put to death by peppers, Beth decided I was exaggerating. Either that or her old army days surface compelling her to 'man up' and show me what a crybaby weenie I was.

Then she enjoyed the God of Fire.

Pele loves his little jokes.

The rest of the weekend was spent in the furious application of various lip remedies which each of us had at the bottom of our purses... don't they all migrate there?

I just have to say that if you are looking for a way to incapacitate the enemy combatants of the world, I believe this little bit of chemical and biological warfare would do more than a host of other weaponry.

Short of jalapeño eye drops, I believe this alone would render the combat troops of most nations inert as they kept having to radio headquarters to air drop more medicated chap stick to salvage the lip remnants remaining on the faces of their horrified troops.

It's just a thought...

By the way, Pele, you had your fun. But remember payback is a .... oh, yeah, another moment where a "lady of quality" shouldn't know that next part.