Bizarre Thoughts

Watching TV, I saw this ad for a machine that is supposed to give men "rock hard washboard abs". How do we test this? Can we actually do a side by side comparison between a washboard and these alleged washboard abs and see which gets the laundry cleaner?

Then, there was the ad for hair replacement systems that extolled the virtues of snatching hair from one follicle on your head and placing it in a barren location in another location on your head to give you that "full head of hair you've always wanted". They say this is even good for women who have thinning hair and are going bald! Woo hoo and who knew?

Hey, wait a sec here - if they have the technology to give you a full head of hair, can't they just take the hair from places you DON'T want it. I'm thinking their female clientele would like to have their little mustaches and beards turned into a luxurious mane of hair. Maybe the hair follicles on their legs could become a new Pompadour in due time. Armpit hair... well, maybe we should just remove it and not transplant it anywhere.

And how about those ads for weight loss patches? Slap a few of those bad boys on and drop the pounds like they were hot. Or not. I'm thinking skin rash and irritation. Not that the idea of losing weight with no real effort on my part isn't appealing, I just wonder about the side effects... like going bald and requiring a hair transplant from my armpit.

I truly love the ads that preach about the wondrous and miraculous powers of various cleaning products that can turn your home into a show place with only 6 payments of $39.99 but if you act now, we'll cut the price in half and throw in another just like it for free providing you pay separate shipping and handling. If Comet and elbow grease can't clean my house, I'm quite sure going into bankruptcy to buy products from occupied Taiwan won't help. They put lead into a lot of their stuff. I'm stupid enough as it is, thanks.

There was one ad that did intrigue me, however.

It was for a 'bark arrest remote' for dogs. I pondered that for a few moments and wondered if it had a "people" setting. It would come in handy when someone is barking at you like you are dumber than pig swill and certainly would be useful when political campaign season starts. Or finishes.

Oh wait. They don't stop. EVER. Imagine how nice it would be to push a button and remove the rhetoric.

How delightful! Peace, quiet, sanity all at the push of a button! Hey! A girl can dream...

I also like the ad that wants us to buy their products to whiten my teeth at home. It assumes my middle name is Old Yellow Fang and my teeth are the color of ripe corn. My concern here is that age old human propensity to think "if a little is good, a lot will be better". Could you actually whiten your teeth to the point they can also double as a bedtime reading lamp? Would that even be desirable? Has anyone field tested this?

Commercials sell products pure and simple. But some of the products they hawk are of dubious quality and more sketchy results.

Momma and Daddy always told us kids "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true." They also said "A fool and his money are soon parted." Don't think I want to be counted a fool today.

Still, some of those ads sound alluring.

According to the perpetually cheery, loud and perky voices, we can all be smart, beautiful, smell nice and be tone, tanned and buff if we use their products. We can have homes that are clean with little effort, teach our kids to read and write in multiple languages before they can use the toilet by themselves, be the envy of our block, and all for a few hundred low, low monthly payments.

I just don't want to see the credit card bill for all of this wonderful improvement in my life.

But hey, we're good friends, right? So since we are friends, I know you will feel free to pay it for me, would ya? I promise I'll get it next time right after I watch this next amazing commercial about covering scratches with this fabulous clear coat pen no matter what color the paint is...