Depends on circumstances

While talking with my friend Sophie about the weird stuff that graces the shelves each holiday season, we got to the theater of the absurd moment.

She was at a store and some woman had on a shirt boldly emblazoned with the following "Sometimes I laugh so hard I have tears running down my leg!"   The implication is that one has managed to pee a bit while laughing and since that is a malady that affects a lot of folks, I can't imagine advertising it. However we all know that there are those kinds of persons who would advertise other bodily function if given less than half a chance.

Of course, if you worked for the Depends company, that might be considered a worthy slogan for product sales. They could give away free t-shirts with every few packs purchased.


Since the folks at Depends have come out with their recent line of colored and patterned briefs for incontinence to make people feel less conspicuous by wearing something that is alleged to be fashionable, I'm quite sure other innovations are coming.

For years, they've had a 'wetness indicator' to help caregivers assist those less able to be freshened up. But what if you are able-bodied, just not always sure if you've "gone" or not? You can't exactly walk around unzipping to see if the color change stripe is blue. People would notice. And if you duck into the bathroom a gazillion times to check for undue moisture, those Depends can and will rip to shreds leaving you pants-less.

The answer is an auditory alert! No ordinary alert however. Mere beeping or buzzing would be embarrassing. After all, this is a technological age and we can do better.

From the second you start to go, a seasonal medley will begin to play. The undies can be crafted to be seasonally relevant and thus play music accordingly. I'm sure no one would notice the music coming from your pants since a lot of people have mp3 songs for ringtones on their cell phones. They would just figure you for one of those clueless folks that doesn't remember to shut off their phone in social settings. You then have the perfect alibi for a quick change... "I've gotta take this..." you mumble absently and leave the room. Everyone would understand. Or at least they'd THINK they understand.

Just imagine - the spring floral print Depends can play "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" or "April Showers Bring May Flowers".

Christmas Depends could offer a selection of songs like "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let it Snow" or maybe a nice "Do You Hear What I Hear" for those moments of sound effects related embarrassment.

Halloween patterned undies could sing a time honored classic "Thriller". Anyone who saw the creepy music video from that song when it first came out surely had the pee scared out of them.

The ideas are virtually limitless. It could open up a whole new market. There could even be a sensor that would wirelessly connect to your personal mp3 player to run through your own chosen medley of songs that remind you when you gotta go... you could cue it to play the GO-GO's.

Or, for those who have things sneak up on them, it would play "Born to Run"...

Wonder if that idea would help with our rising generation of 'connected kids'. It could help them potty train.

And folks, you have just witnessed what happens when a mind becomes a terrible thing that went to waste.

Happy trails.