Trendy Tops

Loathe as I am to purchase items from those "as seen on TV" commercials due to my fear of giving hackers and Nigerian bank scammers my personal financial information, I have found myself inexplicably drawn to the commercial for the "Trendy Top".

Think of them as the modesty protecting long shirt tails that are as antiquated as running boards and rumble seats for those who are challenged in wearing non-revealing pants.

I do not myself wear low rise jeans because despite my rotund abdomen, I lack actual hips that are required to keep the pants up while I walk. And since I am not employed as a plumber, I am not often called upon to be contorted or bending over to show my butt crack since it is usually more than amply covered by other clothes.

But the "Trendy Top" has a disclaimer that caught my attention.

The woman hawking this spandex wonder belt explained that if I bought one I could perform amazing feats and the trendy top would stay in place.

Okay... go on...

The woman danced, did a complex set of gymnastic maneuvers and was able to squat down and get back up again without so much as a helpful hand grasping onto furniture or shelves to haul her carcass up from the floor.

I am now intrigued... I haven't done a cartwheel since I was a kid and I've not done handsprings since... well, ever.

In the time following my accident, and particularly on really cold days like today, movement has been restricted somewhat. But if I spring for the 20 bucks worth of "Trendy Tops", my troubles may well be over! Wouldn't that be an exciting development? Sliding my choice of three colors over my ample hips and top of my buttocks, I should be able to do those handsprings and cartwheels in no time at all! Sitting in the floor Indian style should no longer cause me to wince in pain when I rise because the huckster announcing the virtues of the heretofore mentioned "Trendy Top" says I can do all of this and keep the top in place which is a hop, skip and a Mother May I jump from the claims that it will allow me freedom of movement without pain.

Wait, I think that line was from another TV commercial wanting my money... either way, I'd like to experience a full nights sleep minus the back spasms and numbness that alters my sleep, or the throbbing that wakes me from what sleep I had previously enjoyed.

Trendy or not I could get used to that kind of help in a hurry. Should they prove as magical as their ad claims or even if they only proved HALF as magical, I should be able to perform physical feats that have only been dreamt of and have bestowed upon me skills that have long since passed.

Might be worth a phone call.

WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME AM I SAYING???

I have been seduced - SEDUCED, I TELL YOU - by the cloying pitchman and pitchwomen on TV! Fortunately for everyone concerned, I have come to my senses!

Whew! I could have injured myself counting on that ol' "Trendy Top" to lead me to athletic success and renewed vigor!

Time for a nice lie down, kiddies.

Remember that object in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear, your chewing gum loses it's flavor on the bedpost overnight and everyone knows if you color your hair because last Sunday it was a completely different shade.

"Trendy Tops". Too bad they don't come with a no hassle guarantee to return your brains to you when you discover that you are not completely satisfied.