Time passes

It's now July 20th, our ward pioneer day barbecue and softball game is in the books and I am still grappling with the attempt to balance the need for exercise with the pain I am still "enjoying".

Since I started walking again, I have done 28.95 miles. And yes, I am tracking it.

That is nothing to those lithe figures running up and down my street each day. It is mere pittance to those gazelle like creatures who bound about from place to place running marathons, half marathons and triathlons for fun and sometimes profit and glory.

But to me, it represents a great deal. It means I am still moving. I am still trying. I am still HERE.

Though I am not able to pull those miles in like ribbon on a spool, I am trying to at least begin tugging on that ribbon of highway that Woody Guthrie sang about so long ago. Is it better to start reeling it in fast and perhaps give up in the attempt, or to just keep trying?

I hope the second is the answer because I plan to keep trying.

Every day, I am trying to balance pain and activity. One without the other doesn't seem possible right now. I hope that will change over time.

For now, I am basking in the glory of possibility. Just a few months ago, the very idea of even trying to stand up seemed as remote as the moon. Now, I am able to walk over a mile and a half without stopping.

So I blog the progress and the process.

Hope. It's all I hang on to some days. But I am thankful for that tenuous grasp on the possible.

Adding up to a marathon

I have been building up the distances I walk. Yesterday, over two sessions, I walked a mile and 3/10ths.

This morning, I am happy to say that I was able, with the addition of a couple of breaks for breathers and a stretch or two, to complete a FULL MILE in one session. It took me 30 minutes.

Yeah me!

While I know that isn't a big deal to some people, it means the world to me. It means that prayers are being answered and that God is paying attention to little old me. It means that I matter.

I intend to do more in the second session after supper tonight. I figure cumulative totals add up and help the process along.

I'm trying my best to get to the place I was before where a 6 mile walk was no big deal.

This truly isn't about time for me.

It is all about finishing.

I don't care if I am last, so long as I cross the finish line goals that I set for myself incrementally over time.

This has been a setback to be sure, but it need not be a roadblock unless I allow it to be. And since I am well known for hiking over fences, slipping beyond "DO NOT ENTER" signs and worming my way into "UNAUTHORIZED AREAS" without much shame, I do not intend to let this hiccup in the journey become final OR fatal.

God has preserved me for a purpose and I intend to find out how He wants to use my life to His service.

In the meantime, I'll just keep singing that Tim McGraw song "How Bad Do You Want It" and putting one foot in front of the other.

3 months

Yesterday was 3 months to the day from the accident.

I am walking a bit further every few days trying to get my body back into sync with locomotion, and no, I am not referring to the dance sung about by Grand Funk Railroad. If I could move that way, I wouldn't consider that I had any difficulties.

While I was out this morning, it was sticky humid and threatening rain. There were all kinds of little animals waking up to start their day and look for a bite of something to eat. Huffing and puffing my way along, I could swear they were giving me the evil eye as if to say "What the heck is that wheezing all about?"

When the wild animals know you are wheezing, it is an issue.

Fortunately, I have been increasing my left lung's capacity over time and can hold out my note for a while when I sing. It's been a while since I could hold out for a sustained time and I was beginning to worry that my breath support would never return. You never know and you can't ever take anything for granted.

The really sharp pains on inhaling have stopped (knock on wood!) and I only get twinges in my left thoracic cavity from time to time now. That constant ache is done!! Woo hoo me!

My strength comes and goes. Some days are definitely better than others and some nights I actually sleep in my bed. That isn't something I can take for granted because positional issues and numbness or pain are still part of the battle.

I can cook meals now so long as I don't try anything too complicated. I can do laundry so long as I am not in a big rush. Jared and I have been staying home by ourselves for a couple of weeks and doing okay. Sometimes he likes to fight me when I have to change his pants and that gets pretty tiresome even though HE is having a hilariously good time at my expense. He doesn't understand and I get that.

So I'm improving. Day by day by day... and one day, hopefully soon, I will wake up without hurting and be able to take on my life without so many limitations.

I have come to appreciate the marginal level of living that permanently disabled people must endure. Even those who are more capable of doing for themselves are often sidelined by the realities of a world that doesn't truly accommodate because it hasn't become personal.

God has blessed me and I am thankful. I'm trying to show it by not being too impatient and too demanding. I don't know that I succeed in my desire to be grateful. Frankly, there are some moments where things hurt and my frustration level gets the best of me. For those I am truly sorry.

Lamenting what has happened only serves to make things worse and harder to bear up under and hope to improve. What's done is done. I'm  just glad to be on this side of the long, dirt nap.

But now, we continue forward. I hope Dr. Leberte will be surprised on the 28th of June when I walk into his office unaided. Because I fully intend to keep pushing and working so that I can get back to my daily walking routine. I want to grab onto that 3.2 miles and push toward 6 or 7 again. I won't run them. And that's okay. Running doesn't have to figure into the equation. I don't know that I'd be up to it anyway. But I can walk.

The "being last" thing used to really bother me. Now I realize that being last over the line means you STILL finished the race. It's not about the other participants so much as it is about myself anyway. And if I finish the race - MY race - then I've done okay.

I'm still standing. And I plan to keep putting one foot in front of the other every day I can.

I'm walking, I'm walking, I'm walking...

Cruising the counter tops, furniture and doorknobs of my home, I am now proud to say I can walk all over my house WITHOUT a walker. Some days hurt worse than others, but I'm up on my own two feet again walking slowly and carefully.

Yesterday, in fairness to my ability to manage at home okay, but still unsure in groups, I took the walker so that I could practice walking around in a crowd. I took myself to the bathroom and walked around in the lobby when I got cold then attended choir practice by making my way up the little ramp to the podium.

I earned a nap yesterday and I'm not too proud to admit that I took it for all it was worth.

This morning, I did four laps in the driveway. Hard as I was sore from yesterday, but necessary. Otherwise you stiffen up to the point you can't move at all and that is never good.

I've been out on my under carport deck this morning. I walked out carefully and held onto the hand rail. I'm trying to increase my stamina and my range day by day.

My goal, given to me by Dr. Leberte, is to walk into the doctor's office unaided on June 28th. I'm working toward that diligently. I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing a wheelchair or other devices to get around. That may sound prideful, but it has been a fear of mine all of my life that I would be a burden to everyone else... scary stuff.

But for today, I'm walking. Cautious steps and carefully planned routes so I don't overtax my body, but walking nonetheless.

And I am thankful to be granted the opportunity to walk again. It could easily have been otherwise and more drastically, I could have been graveyard dead. Not pleasant to contemplate, but for gratitude's sake, important to acknowledge.

God has been good to me through prayers and fasting and the helping hands of so many people both inside my family and in my circle of friends.

That is something worth sharing any day of the week. I'm thankful!