Where is that little boy I carried?

Okay. Confession time.

While I am able to put on a front that may appear like I am able to cope with the idea that my child will be boarding a plane and flying off to fulfill his mission for himself and for God, I worry that my act of bravado (which is what this is) will crack before I am ready to kiss him goodbye.

Of course, the goodbye will not be forever but it will be for two years. And the time he is serving his fellowman will change and shape him in ways so personal that only his journal and our Father in Heaven will know them until the time comes that he is ready to share them either in words or appearance.

Both my husband and my brother went through this particular part of the 'refiner's fire' in foreign lands away from Momma. And both came back as men who were sure of the path that they wanted to take in life.

Like Tevya in 'Fiddler on the Roof', I can't help but wonder how the little boy that came home from the hospital as a newborn not so long ago could have become this self assured young man who is ready to begin life as a grown-up. Only this evening he sprawled over the chair and ottoman slaying spies and assassins to make the world a safer place as an I.M. specialist in the realm of fantasy brought to homes near you via an X-Box.

I didn't buy the X-Box. That was another moment of glorious comprehension that dawned when he began to realize that when you want something in this world, you have to work to achieve or purchase it. He worked the hours and saved aside a portion of the paychecks until he had saved enough to bring home a used, but serviceable unit that would take the edge off of reality and offer a variety of escapes from spy versus spy to the thrilling auto racing games that literally leave you sweating and palpatating.

Though both my husband and my brother never lost the desire to play video games, their play is now tempered with the experience of life that never lets the diversion take the place of the responsibilities that being an adult have imposed.

But having said that, I would do nothing to deny my son these last few days to try out the multitude of hats that represent the choices available in life. Though they be a shadow of reality, within the message is a grain of truth.

The good guys are supposed to win and evil is defeated by skill, cunning and some pretty cool tools and gadgets.

Now, the good guys will be dressed in suits. They will defeat the evil of the world by shedding the Light of Christ and the Love of God into the darkened spaces of the world. Their tools will be the simple and pure testimony that can lead even the most lost of the fold from the thicket of dispair and into the everlasting joy that comes from following in the path of the True Shepherd of us all.

Being an undershepherd is hard. It requires you to leave the known and venture into the unknown to save the bleating sheep that has wandered into the unfamiliar paths and become lost. It requires you to forsake the comforts of home for the welfare of the sheep whose names you do not yet know and bring them into the sheepfold safely and securely to go no more out.

Mostly, it means being out day and night to call out, to guide and to share the message of the comfort and bliss that comes from being one of the flock and knowing the voice of the Good Shepherd who most assuredly calls to us all.

So, I guess that little boy I carried will now be carrying someone else's child. And bringing them back home where they can have their wounds bound up, their broken heart healed and their reunion with the Master assured.

If he can be that brave to go out into the wilderness to seek after the lost and lonely sheep of the Master, then I can be brave enough to encourage him to go.

Learn to serve, my son. Learn to love. Learn to lead and return with honor in having given all that is important and necessary at this time in your life. I have seen the results in both your Father and your Uncle when they returned from their service to the Lord. While it is a change for us all, the best change will be within you.