A Death in the Family

It happened just before Christmas and it isn't belated grief that has made this posting come so late. Rather, it was the complete feeling of freedom from lugging around the sheer weight and inconvenience of dealing with the recently deceased. Or maybe I'm just in denial...

My vacuum cleaner gave up the ghost and didn't bother to tell us it had done so.

The only reason I found out about it at all was the fact that I had loaned it to my sister prior to Christmas for her to tidy up before the family descended like locusts upon her home for the annual Christmas feasting and conversation.

She called to ask me somewhat concerned "Does your vacuum always make this much noise?" I assured her that "Yes, it does, but it works just fine."

She called me back a few minutes later to assure me that the vacuum did NOT work just fine and, in point of fact, had indeed passed on... slipping away from us to that great vacuum cleaner heaven in the sky.

I was appalled!! I used this SAME vacuum cleaner to clean the floors of my home all the time and now I was left to ponder just what level of filth I have become accustomed to accepting as "clean"?

Imagine my horror.

Even when I pronounced my home clean, neat and tidy after dragging the ten-ton behemoth through the home to suck up dirt, pet hair, cobwebs, dander and debris... the sad truth is that my beloved elderly vacuum was simply rearranging it to a neater dump.

Why on earth do I ever invite people over???

I'm quite certain that thought always crosses THEIR minds as they see the tragedy unfolding before them and are helpless to do anything until the time comes for them to make a speedy getaway to somewhere less cluttered and filthy.

OH MY GOSH!!! I just realized... I had BRAGGED about how well this cursed vacuum cleaner worked only days before I loaned it to my sister! Now, she either thinks I am the president pro tem of the local "Liars Club" or a certifiable lunatic. Either way, it doesn't bode well.

So, while on the phone today with my gal pal Billi Jo, we were discussing the relative merits of whatever new machine I shall consider to replace the "not so dearly departed", we talked about vacuuming over the same spot repeatedly only to see the little dust cup fill over and over with wads of pet hair. It kind of makes me wonder why our pets aren't all walking around butt naked since they seem to lose so much every stinking day!! Why on earth don't they all look like a Mexican Hairless by now??? But I digress...

The reality of it is that I want to have a vacuum that is truly lightweight but has the suction power of a jet engine on steroids. I want people to think that my house never accumulates dirt, dust, dander or pet hair. I want it to clean the room at ten paces while I'm sitting in a chair holding the hose out at ten paces! In short, I want Better Homes and Gardens to make my home the poster child of the month for beauty and cleanliness!!

I think I need to lie down now as I have worked myself up into a lather just thinking about it.

All I know for sure is that I should never be trusted to loan out household appliances ever again. What I assume is "normal functioning" is actually the death throes of a machine whose prime has come and gone without me ever taking notice of its demise. It's a cautionary tale.

In my defense, mechanical and electrical things are not my forte anyway. They don't speak my language and likewise I am a wanderer in a strange land when it comes to understanding theirs. And Lord knows there are not any "Your Vacuum Cleaner For Dummies" books out there. I know, because I looked. So there.

Now, I am left with the odious task of searching for a suitable replacement. But how can I be trusted with so momentous a decision?? After all, I let its predecessor pass away on my watch without so much as a by your leave. Is there some sort of legal penalty for this? Have I doomed myself in some way?

As Billi Jo says "Oh, the vacuum tragedy!" She kindly offered to let me use hers if only we had beaming technology. I'm sure Scotty wouldn't be amused at the return trip of a corpse instead of a vacuum cleaner. Even the replicators of the future can't reanimate the dead.

So I am determined to do one of two things: (#1) either find a vacuum cleaner that does what it says and perhaps has some sort of early warning system that tells me in plain language that I am in the process of killing it OR (#2) simply hoping that dainty little cleaning fairies will do the job for me.

I'm thinking that option #2 isn't going to happen. Sad, I know.

Is there a maid service that simply shows up to vacuum? Do they have reasonable prices? And, more importantly, will I be held liable for killing THEIR vacuum should the pet hair and general crud around my home overtake it?

These are questions I am determined to answer in one form or fashion.

But not right now.

Now, it is time to mourn the passing of the vacuum. Even if we are a bit late in doing so. I'm sure wherever it's soul is (do they even HAVE souls?), it will appreciate the gesture.

Farewell Dirt Devil! We hardly knew ye...