Lie Detector Test

There are lots of people I know who have undergone a lie detector test as a condition of employment. Most of them work for the Feds in some capacity that requires them to be above board and honest.

Me... I used to work for a gold refinery called Johnson Matthey Refinery, Inc. I had to submit to the polygraph test so they could ensure that I wouldn't sneak out with an ingot stuffed into my shoes or smuggled into my bra.

Anyone who knows me knows that second scenario would never work, but I digress.

So, Beth and I were talking about random stuff after covering the more weighty issues of the day which involved painful lessons and tears. The topic shifted around to lie detector tests. We are truly random people.

"Have you ever stolen a ham from a grocery store?" I about fell out of my chair laughing. 'A HAM?!?!?! A HAM?!?!?!" But Beth swears this was a question she was asked and I believe her simply because it's just too freaky and odd to be made up. It proves that the test administrator either had (a) a sense of humor or (b) a guilty party already in mind whom he was determined would not be missed in the questioning. I'm betting on answer B on this one, kids.

And Beth says she never stole a ham. I also believe that because anyone who knows her at all knows she would steal Dove chocolate WAAAAAAY before dipping into the meat aisle. A woman has to have her priorities in order.

As part of the questions I was asked prior to getting my job as an assayer for JMRI, the questioner posed this toughie: "Have you ever stolen anything?"

I know they were angling for something like grand theft or a jewelry heist, but the truth is the only thing I ever stole was a couple of Tootsie Rolls from the Elmore's Five and Ten Cent dime store. I was promptly busted for my offense and precious piggy bank money was extracted to pay for the candy. The store manager, with full approval of my mother, raked me over the coals. Stealing hasn't ever been tempting since.

Another gem the polygraph expert asked was: "Have you ever lied to your parents?"

Realizing this was no time for levity, I simply answered yes, then was asked to detail the circumstances on which I would lie. The fact is, then and now, I wanted to say "Am I over 1 year old? HELL YES!!! I've not only lied to my parents, but I derived a benefit from having done so ... I avoided getting my butt whipped!"

Of course, reasonable minds know that for kids in their teens, it sometimes comes down to the axiom that Judge Judy (I LOVE her show) trots out frequently: "If their lips were moving, they're lying!"

Kids don't lie all of the time, neither do adults. But when something seems like it would be in our personal best interest to shield us from whatever circumstance or consequence we'd like to put off dealing with... we LIE. There is a song called "White Lies" that played today on the radio while I was out running an errand with Beth. It was sort of the 'closing hymn' for the conversation.

We do what we feel will keep us out of the cross hairs. But now, lying has gone from kids protecting their assets against adult wrath to a national pastime on the Beltway in D.C. It's like "Hey, I got elected! Now I have a FREE PASS to lie 24/7!"

I don't believe they would make the eggregious statements they do if our politicians were all compelled to go on the record with a polygraph machine hooked up to them like a veracity life support machine.

It could also provide a useful service in finding out who among our tax paid leaders is not just a member of the liar's club but a pathological liar. Then we'd know where to aim when we shoot.

Just remember kids, the most important thing to glean from this conversation is to cut way back on the lying because it can prevent you from being employed. And also, try not to steal a ham. They do monitor that sort of evildoing...