Nigerian Bank Scam In Reverse

I've decided I've had enough with those emails begging for my help with transferring the multi-gozillion dollars of some Nigerian Prince/magnate who has to ask a total stranger over the internet in a random email for assistance in transferring his valuable holdings from his woefully unstable nation and its collection of undermanaged and risky banking entities.

Now, I'm going to strike a blow for the REST of us.

From now on, I'm going to send out random emails from "my solicitor" (a.k.a. ME) to strange people over the Internet and have them take over the payments of my bills.

To be sure, I am not offering them anything in return but that warm feeling deep in the heart from knowing they have eased the suffering of my wallet. But hey, if enough suckers (uh, excuse me, I meant to say philanthropists!) are around, they can feel better about themselves and I can be debt free by nightfall tomorrow.

Because I am not stupid enough to do this haphazardly, I will set up a PayPal account with a completely new and separate banking organization that will only do one-way transfers from their wallets into mine. I will issue each and every person who is caring enough to get involved in my personal financial meltdown a certificate which they can print off using the cardstock of their choice and which will then be rendered suitable for framing.

Even a philanthropist wants a pat on the back and a few public accolades will certainly boost their stock at the Country Club come the weekend.

This way, they get something for their money so kindly invested into the future of my personal fortunes and hopefully make up for a few reversals, unexpected medical expenses and help replace an aging and tired van.

I can even send them sponsorship photos of the van and of me crying at the mailbox and while answering the phone for yet another bill collector and collection agency screaming about how they want their money even if they have to squeeze the blood out of this particular little Southern turnip green.

I am quite sure the Nigerians and those lovely people in England who claim I am the relative of some Duke of Cheesecake or whatever it was will be happy to donate to ME. After all, they were all confident that they could count on me when they needed help...

Sadly, the only thing I can donate to them is my indebtedness and a heart brim with gratitude when they help me break the yoke of the oppressive compound interest from draining my checking account.

I know it might sound self-serving on the surface. And it is. But why should downtrodden, humble, decent people who only need my help getting their vast fortunes out of Nigeria get all the breaks?

This is America, baby, and the proud, poor and slackers all are deserving of an equal chance to redistribute the wealth from someone else's wallet into their own. Proudly, I am willing to be the first to accept the donations to make my life better through absolutely no work on my own.

I do wonder though, how much tithing you owe on extortion?