Planning Post-Op Activities

My trip to the orthopedic surgeon was not exciting at all. Not one lick.

Surgery is a matter of 'when' not 'if' at this point.

Did you know it is never convenient for me to be down?

I never realized I was irreplaceable. Now I just need to know who to contact to make my statue and obelisk.

But seriously, the issues surrounding all of this fun will require that I be totally off of my left leg for at least 8 weeks post op.

So that leaves me with a lot of 'free time' where I can't do anything much. With that in mind, I have been doing some brainstorming.

Here's what I've come up with thus far:


* Transcendental Pilates. All the benefits without any pressure on the post op healing. Just drift into that plane of being where the work is done in my mind and the results are seen on my body.

* I plan on using all of my spare time at home to prank call everyone in the phone book. Everyone. No one should consider themselves immune. I have an endless supply of stupid things to say when they pick up. And I promise to call at the most inconvenient times, too.

* Further, I plan to start calling all of the local businesses one by one and asking them to tell me what it is they actually do in my behalf and why I should spend my money with them for that thing they do.


* When that is all said and done, I plan to start mailing individual slices of Spam to random post office boxes. I'm not sure if it will be a bid to fight hunger or simply to irk someone who pulls a slimy envelope out of the mailbox.

* After I run out of Spam, I have to decide how to best deploy boiled okra pods to my advantage. I will have help on this one from my high school partner in crime. Elizabeth has an evil mind when it comes to this kind of high crimes and misdemeanors.  (Does anyone know: precisely how long do they send you to jail for putting okra in the mail?)

* From previous experience being bedridden and crippled up, I know that you can only read so many magazines and watch so much TV before you are totally toast. I plan to write "articles" for the local paper and news magazines about naval gazing. I may send pictures.
They may even be of my navel.

Of course, I am open to other ideas and possibilities.

This is just basic pre-op brainstorming and I may have several days ahead of concrete planning sessions before I go under the knife, the Sawzall and the rasp.

I wonder, while they have me under, would they mind shaving off a little fat in a few select areas? We could call it "pre-formation non-aligned lipoidal bone spurs near the central axis of the body"...?

Uh, I guess not.

Liposuction and bone spur removal probably aren't connected, despite what the song says about the leg bone being connected to the fat bone or something like that.

Oh well, back to calendar items and trying to figure out how to conveniently be a nuisance to everyone I know and love.