Things You Shouldn't Do

Often, the experience comes before the wisdom in my life as I am not too keen on learning from the mistakes of others.

Sometimes, sheer stupidity is the only explanation for the messes and predicaments I find myself in... and sadly, I have no one else upon which to heap the blame. Dang it!

Lessons I have learned about things you shouldn't do... I pass this on because I care.

* Don't go out in your bathrobe on a windy day. Really. No matter how quick you think you will be in retrieving the newspaper, putting out the trash or turning on the sprinklers, you will be offering a free burlesque review to your entire neighborhood.

* Resist the temptation to open your bathroom window and sing in the shower. Sound apparently travels further when you are naked and wet. Makes for interesting conversation at the next neighborhood block party. Not all of it good.

* Avoid hugging the garbage man, no matter how thankful you are that they held up the truck route so you could lug your cans to the road. (This didn't actually happen to me... but to someone I know really well and can use this for blackmail material for all eternity! Muuuahahahahahahahahaha!)

* Refrain from singing out too boldly in an unfamiliar congregation. While you may know the hymn really well and can harmonize to beat the band, they may not be bold singers at their church and they WILL turn around to see who in the heck didn't get the memo regarding actually singing loud praises during the meeting. They might even give you the 'saved for visitors evil eye'.

* Talk to yourself in public. It just doesn't look good... or sane. Of course, now that blue tooth devices have allowed EVERYONE to look like a babbling fool with no connection to reality, that isn't such a big deal anymore. People now have no idea if you are a technologically advanced being or just a regular, garden variety blithering idiot. Either way you can get away with it for a little while unless you start screaming things like "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" in a crowded line at Piggly Wiggly. That tends to send the nice men who bring you "special jewelry" to your checkout line.

* Talk on your cell phone in the bathroom stall of a public restroom. I'll confess, I've done this before. Think what you will, but with a handicapped child, you answer a phone call from the school ANYWHERE. I can sanitize the phone later. Unfortunately, this can backfire on you if some idiot in the next stall thinks you are talking TO THEM. Awkward! Scary consequences might happen...and you'd better hope that if you wind up making a 'date' with the person one toilet over, that they are at least good looking!

* Eat fruit in the grocery store before you purchase, take home and wash it thoroughly. Not only is that theft, but some goobery kid with a snotty nose has handled every single grape, tangerine, and bag of store brand trail mix in the ziplock bags... and now, you are consuming.... nevermind.  Eeeeeeew!

* Tell everyone you know how to dance. The 'funky monkey' may have been a big hit back in the day, but it isn't a big hit now. Sure, when the music is playing and you feel it down to your disco shoes and rainbow striped toe-socks, you want to boogie. But trust me,  unless you REALLY know basic ballroom, go to the punch bowl instead. It's safer and less likely to result in a broken hip when you bust a move that will bust you.

This isn't a comprehensive listing, and I'm open to suggestions on more items on what not to do. The reality of our lives is that we are mostly driven by "To Do" lists and pages of "What Not To Do".

If I had them all figured out, I probably wouldn't be blogging. I wouldn't have anything to write about...