Grab bars and butt width

The continuing adventure of bathroom safety while partially incapacitated keeps our family occupied in more ways than one.

Since crutches are helpful only to a point, there are some things that are, of necessity, required to ensure both safety and the ability to remain upright in areas that are prone to being damp or downright soggy. Turning the crutches into a teepee shape to push up from various surfaces such as the bed or a chair works pretty soundly most of the time, other times, grab bars would be a big plus since flooring surfaces vary and slickness of same becomes an issue.

Nothing like trying to keep upright while on one foot (barely) and trying to keep the ever sliding crutches from getting away from you or from jamming your armpits into your ears.

Trust me, it's funny... or not.

So, to ensure that another hospital trip isn't in my immediate future, grab bars have been installed in the master bathroom and will be installed in Jared's bathroom both in the barrier-free shower stall and in the commode area for easy grasp and purchase of a secure footing through sound hand holds. That's the idea anyway.

So while the two eldest menfolks of the household were apparently having cart races in Lowe's while looking at all the "man candy" in the various aisles of the store (I say this because Rick called me and was out of breath - the man only gets that way when looking at hardware and tools...), they were discussing the relative merits of various types of appliances and grips that could aid me in my pitiful and semi tragical circumstances.

Thomas called me to ask about the photo sent to me... I can only imagine who received that photo since it NEVER came to my cell phone. It was of a toilet surround that had hand holds for lowering and elevating one to the throne.

Yeah... whomever got that picture is gonna be offended or curious as to why they are being sent the photo. Is this some kind of hint that they are "old" or is it a veiled threat of what damage is heading their way? I snicker because that's the kind of evil mind I have.

But, and that is a big BUTT... the phone call to me was asking not so gently just how wide my butt is and would it fit.

I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended.

It isn't part of a normal woman's life to share her "numbers" in that way to begin with and no one wants to consider measuring the width of their buttocks as a measure of just how worthy any particular household help would be. That just ain't cool.

I insisted they just get the wall mounted grab bars.

I do have my pride.

Plus, I don't even want to know the dreaded 'butt width' number. I'm afraid I'd have a heart attack and die. Which would leave them with kinda of an odd "Weekend With Bernie" moment... do they take me along or leave me at home with another squirt of Fe-breeze for good measure? EIther way, the air freshener will be a requirement, but perhaps they don't feel like answering questions about why I am still wearing the same clothes for an entire month or have the same strange expression on my face and what is that god-awful smell that is a mixture of Fe-breeze, moth balls and that cheap cologne I bought on impulse from the sale rack at the dollar store?

Fortunately, I'll be dead and won't be able to help them stammer their way through that particular mess. And when I'm dead they can measure me for butt width all the want to. I imagine it would shrink over time as I dessicated into a shriveled raisin. At least I could eventually be buried in a smaller dress size.

But I digress...

Back to the bathroom grab bars.

Aren't we all glad that I have pretty awesome 'guns' and can heave a bull elephant out the bathroom window with them? Truth is, I may look a little flabby in the bod, but beneath the flab is some serious muscle. Don't be jealous. You only get this kind of muscle the hard way. Lifting Jared, lifting me, lifting elephants...

I do actually lift weights. It's the only way I keep up. It's also the only way I have a bust line. But again, I digress...

The grab bars are being installed today, I am assured.

The only thing that concerns me is the fact that they are, at my tender age, required at all. Aren't grab bars and toilet lifts for the elderly and disabled? And I hate the fact that either description might apply. I want to see myself as that young gal who enjoyed the freedom to go and do without the constraints of crutches, casts, wheelchairs and grab bars.

That kind of sucks lemons...

I console myself with the thought that perhaps this experience is helping me to better understand the plight of those for whom this condition isn't temporary and is bringing me a heightened sensitivity to the needs of those who struggle every day for the rest of their mortal lives just to get out of bed.

Truly, it is a cautionary tale.

But I am relying on the promise of the Word of Wisdom and praying that one day not too far down the road of life that I can "run and not be weary, and walk and not faint". I only hope I am deserving of that blessing. Plus, it would really be a good thing because, oddly enough, people DO depend upon me. Strange, but true.

Oh well... better sign off on this since it is nearly time to take a hike into the bathroom and I dare not wait until I HAVE to go... otherwise there may be a greater than 90% chance of dampness and mopping in a most unpleasant fashion.

God bless grab bars... they certainly do come in handy.