Rules to Date My Son

I read a hilarious blog post about a father's concern for his daughter, who is now dating age. The general consensus was that his girls shouldn't date until they are 35.

That might be a bit extreme. But since I don't have any girls, I'll defer to his wisdom.

However, his post about the rules to date his daughter set me to thinking. If we have rules about how the young men are to comport themselves when they plan to date someone's princess, shouldn't there ALSO be a few regarding the behavior of the young women hoping to date our handsome princes whom we are sending out into the world to slay the dragon, protect the castle, defend the honor of the princess whom they hope to someday receive as the queen of their castle?

So to that end, I have made my OWN list of suggestions and ideas regarding rules, regulations and stipulations to date my son. Here is the application. "Momma's Rules for Dating" follows.

APPLICATION TO DATE MY SON

NOTE:  This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

I.  BASIC INFORMATION

(REQUIRED FOR PROCESSING CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK & CREDIT CHECK)

NAME:

DATE OF BIRTH:

HEIGHT: 

WEIGHT:

IQ:

SOCIAL SECURITY #:

DRIVER LICENSE #:

NUMBER OF TICKETS/WARNINGS FOR MOVING VIOLATIONS/ACCIDENTS:

YOUNG WOMEN’S PERSONAL PROGRESS: Completed? Yes or No. If no, please explain.

YOUNG WOMANHOOD RECOGNITION MEDALLION: Yes or No. If no, please explain.

HONOR BEE: Yes or No. If no, please explain.

HOME ADDRESS, CITY/STATE/ZIP:

HONOR STUDENT? Yes or No.

CAN YOU COOK MORE THAN MICROWAVE SOUP? Yes or No. If no, please explain.

DO YOU HAVE PARENTS?  Yes or No. If no, please indicate which wolf pack raised you.

IS ONE MALE AND THE OTHER FEMALE?  Yes or No. (If no, DO NOT CONTINUE APPLICATION!)

NUMBER OF YEARS THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED:

IF LESS THAN YOUR AGE, PLEASE EXPLAIN:

WHICH TEMPLE WERE THEY SEALED IN:

II. ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A.     Do you own or have access to a van?  Yes or No.

B.     A camper?  Yes or No.

C.     A waterbed?  Yes or No.

D.    A hatchback with fold down seats?  Yes or No.

E.     A tattoo?  Yes or No.

F.     Do you have multiple earrings, a nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek, pierced eyebrow, pierced boob or a belly button ring?  Yes or No.

G.    Have you ever ‘sexted’ anyone? Yes or No.

(NOTE: IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING --- FASTER THAN I CAN UNHOLSTER MY PISTOL.)

III. ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY SON' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ‘SELF CONTROL’ mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ‘INAPPROPRIATE PHONE CALL’ mean to you?

IV: REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend:                                     

Meeting Time and place:

How often you attend: 

Valid reasons for missing:

When would be the best time to interview YOU?

Your Father?

Your Mother?

Your Bishop?

V. SHORT ANSWER QUESTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

B.  If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C.  A Man’s responsibilities are:

D.  The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is:

E.  What do you want to do IF you grow up?

F.  When I meet a guy, the thing I always notice about him first is:

G.  What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

I SWEAR OR AFFIRM THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH OR DISMEMBERMENT.

Applicant's signature:  (that means sign your name, sugarplum).

Father's signature:

Mother's signature:

Bishop’s signature:

Thank you for your interest in dating my wonderful son.  Please allow four to six years for processing as your application will be added to the stack of potential dates for my son in the order in which it was received.

To prepare yourself, start studying “Momma's Rules for Dating” which is available online in WORD and PDF formats for your convenience. There will be an examination.

Momma’s Rules for Dating

Rule One:  

If you have asked HIM for the date and pull into my driveway honking your horn, you'd better be delivering him a package of cookies, because you're sure not picking anything up around here. Decent people come to the door for introductions and pleasantries.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my son in front of me.  You may glance at him, briefly, so long as you do not peer at anything below his belt. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my son's body, I will remove them with a wooden spoon.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their blouses so loosely that they appear to be falling off their shoulders or so tightly as to restrict blood flow.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:  You may come to the door with either your bra strap showing or your blouse 2 sizes too small, and I will not object.  

However, in order to ensure that your blouse does not, in fact burst open or fall off during the course of your date with my son, I will take my glue gun and fasten a granny shawl securely in place to your shoulders and collarbones.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Chastity is a virtue for guys and gals both.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about homemaking, crafts, and other Relief Society topics.  Please do not do this. I am not interested.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to be dropped off back to your home or apartment, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early, because I need to read my scriptures and do more homework before I go to sleep.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular gal, with many opportunities to date other guys.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with MY young man, you will continue to date no one but him until he is finished with you.  If you make him cry, I will make you cry. And yes, guys DO cry when their hearts are broken and trampled just like girls do.

Rule Seven:

As he stands in your front hallway, waiting for you to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not think you are being cute. You are being stupid and discourteous. If you plan to be late everywhere he’d like to take you, then you should not be dating my son.  “Putting on your makeup”, a process can take longer than painting the Golden Gate bridge, is not a reasonable excuse for making my son wonder if you are just stringing him along.  Instead of having him just stand there cooling his heels, why don't you do something useful? Spackle on a little less makeup and try letting him see the ‘real you’ who can actually tell time!

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my son:

1.      Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  

2.      Places where there is darkness.

3.      Places where there is dancing without lighting, holding hands, or happiness.  

4.      Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce you to wear shorts, or t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to your throat.

5.      Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are okay as long as they aren’t R rated. Disney movies are okay. Hockey games are okay. But, old folks homes are even better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a heavyset, wrinkled, lined, flabby, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been.  But, on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, merciless goddess of your universe.  

If I ask where you are going and with whom, and what time you expect to return, you have ONE chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  I have a pistol, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me because I don’t miss when I shoot.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Should you decide to pay for the date, remember that it takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car revving in my driveway for a group of Emo chicks coming over for a rave (see Rule #1). 

When my hot flashes start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to turn on the pressure hose while I watch you sit in your car impatiently and also when I wait for you to bring my son home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my son home safely and early, then return to your car.  There is no need for you to stand on the porch for an hour playing tonsil hockey. Otherwise, I have a pressure hose with your name written all over it.

The stressed, tired looking face at the window is mine.