Running out of words

For a majority of my life, I have been 'encouraged' to shut up.

Not that it was done unkindly, most of the time, but I was reminded frequently that I didn't always have to say something and that while I was talking I didn't always say anything worth listening to by the patient or wearied ears of others.

The gift of gab is one of the cruelest double edged swords that exists. From the time a child comes into the world, we dream of the day that they will say something. For those that are deprived of this ability, the world seems strangely silent as they cannot articulate even their most basic needs and we are left to guess at what is going on 'inside' of them. But the ability to speak regardless of language also means by default that we must learn when NOT to speak in order to keep ourselves within the boundaries that are imposed by a polite society.

Recently, I have begun to mull over my options when it involves speaking or, in fact, communication in any form. I believe I have grown tired of myself.

Owing to the fact that I am not sure how to proceed, I am trying to keep my mouth shut unless it is required for me to speak. For some people, this causes confusion. Others rejoice that for once in my life I am not assaulting their ears with my voice.

Those who are confused join me in a measure in my own confusion. I still love and care for them very much, I just don't know what I can contribute to their lives that would be worth the listening. And I have come to understand that my very presence is indeed a bore to many of the people in my life.

So, unless I have to talk on the phone, I don't. And I am trying to let some relationships grow or go, dependant upon whether or not there is anything reciprocated while my mouth is shut. Sometimes, they have outgrown me or perhaps I was never as much a part of their life, thought processes and daily habits as they were for me.

And I am learning that particular discovery can be okay. It used to hurt to think that I wasn't important to other people. Now, I have come to realize that life occured long before I arrived and will continue unabated long after I have gone. It's almost a reassuring thought.

Is there a possibility I will recede so far into my own little world that I will simply disappear? I don't know. That might be an interesting thing. I could become an observer in my own lifetime instead of the active force behind it's activity. How would my perceptions change about my contributions to those whom I think I am helping with my contact?

Maybe now is truly the time to find out. There could very well be an entire world out there that would benefit from my absence. My silence could offer a more timid soul the room they need to speak without fear of being overshadowed by a larger voice. My quiet may bring peace to a troubled soul who is running from the cacaphony of the larger world.

just something to consider today. . .