I need a keeper . . .

It's official.

I am too stupid to keep up in a technological society.

I would have made a good pioneer woman. I can cook over an open fire and I love to camp. I can saddle and ride horses, I am a qualified sharpshooter and have been hunting before and am totally comfortable around livestock. And, in the bonus round, I know how to whip a rope, start a campfire and cook Dutch Oven food.

Rumor has it, I am a pretty handy person when it comes to first aid and with a guitar and harmonica around the campfire when the lights are low. Which means you will have to find someone else to wash the dishes.

But, give me new technology and I make those around me wonder why in the world I have opposable thumbs! Baboons catch on quicker than I do (actual test results may vary depending upon age and decrepity of the baboon).

While sorting out the new cell phone my kind husband bought me, I did everything the little booklet said to. Or at least I attempted to.

There is a certain tacit assumption that the person reading the instructions not only can read between the lines, but understands the hidden voodoo required to be part of the savvy and suave who are able to use technology and not look stupid.

Therein lies the problem.

Although I am reasonably intelligent (I have actual test papers to prove it), I am hopelessly confused when it comes to swapping Sims and taking advantage of all the built in technology that has been thoughtfully engineered to keep me safe when I am lost.

First of all, what the hell IS a Sim card??? Is it the same thing as the "SmartCard"? Or is it the internal memory?

Don't confuse me with multiple names for the SAME DAMN THING in the instructions!!!!

Grrrrrrrrr!!

Then, the assumption by the manufacturers that I have some built in DNA strand that responds to upgrades and auto updates is largely stupidity on their part. And I can truthfully plead COMPLETE and TOTAL ignorance.

I NEVER got the memo.

My poor, sweet, and most assuredly longsuffering husband has to endure my density (Take that any way you need to in order to make it through the day). Patiently he explains things about how to swap Sims and upload data and activate online.

That campfire on the open prairie is looking better and better in the smokey shadows of my mind.

I cannot recall a SINGLE Primary song where the pioneer women were dealing with product information booklets in multiple languages and techno babble. And, I have reliable proof that there is not one single instance in which the pioneer women stooped by the campfire stirring up a pot of stew while texting the girls in the next camp over. Not one.

Eventually, I will achieve an uneasy truce with the newest piece of joy and wonder in the palm of my hand.

Eventually, I will be so comfortable with the new phone that I won't miss the old one.

Eventually, I will sound more secure.

But right now, I think I'll just take a breather and wait until my blood pressure drops to a more normal range.