Yard Sale Spectacular

Up at the crack of dawn to set out the treasure trove of merchandise and prepare the tables for the thundering herd that is to come is NOT for the faint of heart.

Signs were posted and pre-advertising was done on the local radio institution of "Swap-N-Shop" so that those faithful listeners would know where to come and spend the contents of their piggy bank.

That's right happy campers! It's YARD SALE SEASON!!!

Next to football, NASCAR and church, it's a religion in the South. Dedicated shoppers map out their day and go from sale to sale either purchasing needed items or enriching the haul for their OWN sale in a couple of weeks at bargain prices.

Then, there are those people who come just to browse and move on. Like the snob with their nose in the air over a bologna sandwich instead of caviar, I am left to wonder just what the heck they expected at a yard sale anyway??? The Crown Jewels?

I love the old women who dicker over every inconsequential tidbit they touch to see if they can jew you down on the price just enough to keep a closed fist over their carefully hoarded pennies. I'm going to be just like them when I get old.

I love the old men who are retired but 'tinker' on various mechanical things just to keep a sense of being useful alive and well. Some are war veterans of Korea and Vietnam who look somewhat lost as they follow their wives through the maze of merchanidise. It's as if they have landed on a forbidden and female planet that only one species truly understands.

The people who have children in tow are a brave sort. Children know a yard sale is like a big "YES" sign over the toys and stuffed animals that are in the waiting boxes and bins. NO one says "NO" to cheap toys, right?

Kids go home with toys just like the ones at home that sit abandoned and forgotten, but this is somehow different because it is a bargain.

The folks that chap my rear though are the ones that come convinced that you should GIVE AWAY your stuff to them because it's beneath their dignity to pay you for your goods.

Admittedly, the items in a yard sale are not first class. The whole point is to reuse, reduce and recycle by holding such a sale. When I go to a yard sale at someone else's place, I expect dings, scratches and imperfections which might even have a coating of dust from storage. Clothing items generally smell musty or mothball tinged and will require a complete cycle in the washer at least twice to remove the odor and make it wearable. But at least it was only 25 cents, right...?

I remember one time years ago, I was selling a bag of children's training pants. You know the kind, they never get worn out because eventually your kid DOES learn to go to the bathroom on the toilet.

I had this entire bag of about 40 pair of these undies for a couple of bucks. This lady came and tried to get the price altered in a most frustrating way. "You wouldn't take fifty cents for them, would you?"

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I realize that dickering and haggling over prices is time honored, but give me a break! There were 40 pair of training pants and they were not stained or abused in any way!

Some things are firm prices, even at a yard sale.

She huffed and puffed and fumed about the price. When she finally stomped off sans training pants, there was an older lady who ran a day care in her home who quietly came up and said, "Did you say TWO dollars?"

When I nodded my assent, she replied, "I'll take them all! I run a day care and I'm always needing more training pants!"

I smiled and we made the transaction. She got the pants and I got two bucks from some pants that otherwise would have become just another donation to the Goodwill Industries.

One time a couple of years ago, I had two women almost come to blows over an embroidered shorty bathrobe I had which featured a colorful dragon on the back. Oriental was vere "IN" that year and I only had a couple of them.

Trust me when I tell you that NEITHER of these women could have worn the robe they were fighting over and even if they had put BOTH of the robes together, there would have been nothing left to the imagination. I'm not being unkind because I have a few thousand pounds to lose myself. But facts are facts. The robes were from my early married days when I was much lighter than I am now.

The saddest part of it all was that they actually knew each other and it looked like they were building to a good sulk that might last a while and for what? A bathrobe that didn't fit either of them.

Yard sales are funny in other ways.

Things that have no particular relevance to you seem to mean a great deal to strangers. Then again, the items that are the hot sellers vary wildy with each yard sale.

Today, cookbooks were the hot seller. If we had more, we could have sold them.

Dishes didn't move well and we chose not to do clothing since I haven't ever really done well on them. Furniture items didn't even budge and normally we have people lined up around the block for furniture.

Please tell me the next time you plan a yard sale because I'd like to come browse through the visible markers of your life on sale. I'll be less tired, spend a little money with you and more importantly, help the average American to survive the economic downturn.