Never get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I’m just trying to save your life.
Prior to the remodeling of the center bathroom in our house, going to the potty at dark-thirty was a risky proposition at best. Somnambulating through the house in virtual sleep while trying to answer the call of Mother Nature is never easy.
Objects that are navigated around easily during the daytime or when the lights are on become mine fields of danger and horror in the dark. Thanks to the remodeling, we now have motion sensing lights along the floor of the bathroom that provide a gentle ray of light to guide you safely to your destination without harm. With the illumination bathing the target in a warm glow, the trip is accomplished generally without tears.
Not every home is so blessed to have these amenities. Which brings me to the ever-present danger of the blue stuff in the toilet.
Most of us want to hope our bathroom facilities are clean and would pass inspection so we employ various cleaning products and tank treatments that allege to insure sanitized and safe use of the porcelain throne. Heaven forbid that our toilet smell like... well... a toilet.
The ubiquitous image of the advertising showing Tidy Bowl man happily afloat in his tiny boat in the deep and beautiful blue waters of “lake John” reminds me of both a clean toilet and, sadly, of a nightmare that I once had as a kid.
That little perky sailor of the bilge water smartly jabbed me with a jib as I sat on the throne one night to take care of business. He informed me that he was almighty tired of being peed on. I woke up from that dream scared and with a perpetual fear of colored water in the toilet that lasted for years.
But sometimes, nightmares notwithstanding, the bladder prods ever harder for relief until you are compelled to rise from your horizontal slumber and drag your snoozing carcass vertically into the bathroom. This is the time at which your conscious mind should be completely awake! Unfortunately, this is often the very time in which it deserts you entirely. It’s kind of a cruel practical joke when you are least able to defend yourself. Will you make it in time? Will you become disoriented and pee in the piano bench?
There are some horrors that never leave us. Have you ever sat down into a cold, wet toilet? Some early arriving male interloper answers ‘the call’ then, inexplicably leaves the seat in the “up” position and you creep into the bathroom sound asleep in your footy pajamas totally unaware of the danger that lies damply ahead only to find your previously warm buttocks plunged into the startling cool pool of the toilet thus rendering you unable to pee for hours? Plus your nether region is now a lovely shade of aquamarine?
Then, there is the awful specter of possibly slipping on the bathroom tile while seat is in said “up” position and alighting face first into the Tidy Bowl dyed water. How can you explain to ANYONE why you have a blue face? Or worse yet… imagine the headline if you drowned in that position?
"The victim was found facedown in the blue-hued water of the home’s main bathroom. Rescue personnel were unable to remove the body for approximately 30-minutes, during which time they had to forcibly stop looking at each other in order to stifle their laughter.”
"The family has requested that there be no viewing of the dearly departed since the funeral home indicated that the grieving family would not be able to tolerate the snickers from the mourners who filed past the casket making inappropriate jokes about Smurfs, Violet Beauregard and The Tidy Bowl Man.”
“Friends of the family are invited to send a charitable donation to the plumbing company of their choice.”
I’m thinking that just might be a headline article that our local paper could cover with great panache. They could include coupons for cents off toilet cleaning products underneath.
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